4 random thoughts tonight

For anyone who does not know me at all, my favorite band is Switchfoot. A line from a song of theirs is referenced in my mind at least once a day. Every so often, I will think it important enough to write about. Tonight, I am referencing their song "The Beautiful Letdown".


The Beautiful Letdown
Switchfoot


it was a beautiful letdown
when they crashed and burned
when I found myself
alone, unknown, unheard


it was a beautiful letdown
the day I knew
that all the riches this world had to offer me
would never do


in a world full of bitter pain
and bitter doubts
I was trying so hard to fit in
until I found out
that I don't belong here


no, I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song
where i don't belong
I don't belong

it was a beautiful letdown
when you found me here
yeah, for once in a rare blue moon
I see everything clear

I'll be a beautiful letdown
that's what I'll forever be
and though it may cost my soul,
I'll sing for free


we're still chasing our tails
and the rising sun
and our dark water planet's still spinning in the race
where no one wins and no one's won

see, I don't belong here
no, I don't belong here
I don't belong
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
I don't belong
I don't belong here
no, I don't belong here
I don't belong

I'm gonna set sight
and set sail
for the kingdom come
kingdom come
your kingdom come
won't you let me down?
let my foolish pride forever let me down


easy living, you're not much like the name
easy dying
hey, you look just about the same
would you please take me off your list?
easy living, please, come on and let me down

we are a beautiful letdown,
painfully uncool
the church of
the dropouts,
the loosers,
the sinners,
the failures,
and the fools
what a beautiful letdown.
are we salt in the wound?
hey, let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here
no, I don't belong here
I don't belong here
feels like I don't belong here
I don't belong here
goes like I don't belong here
no, I don't belong

would you let me down?
come on, let me down
you always let me down
I'm so glad that I'm let down
yeah, come on and let me down
cause I don't belong here
please, won't you let me down?



Now for why I was thinking about this song.
Well, honestly, I was just having a bunch of random thoughts that somehow fit together even though they are about very different things. The lyrics fit the state of mind.

One thought was about earlier this week, it was probably around 8 pm, i was laying on the floor, I had eaten practically nothing all day and really didn't want to eat even though I was very hungry. Normally I love eating, especially chocolate and sugarry things. I have never really understood how someone can simultaneously be hungry and not want to eat at the same time. It's kind of a weird thing to experience, but it doesn't really feel like it at the time. Anyways, I was telling myself that if I do not eat, I am participating in a form of self-destruction, which is bad, in case that wasn't obvious. And then I had the same argument I've had with myself a few times. I ask myself if I am really worth the food I eat, and whether my life is worth living, whether I am worthy of being alive. First I look at the question through my eyes, as if God is a non-existant fairy tale and all that is is what I know or can know. The answer to my question is no, my life is not worth what it requires to continue, much less thrive. I am so dependent on other people and many resources that my output is a fraction of my input. The quantitative value of my life is low. This state of mind lasts just long enough for me to understand it before it switches into gnostic mode. Then I try to look at the question through God's eyes. He created me, willed me and the rest of this world into life, gave me His body, blood, soul, divinity, spirit, and truth. He wants me to live life and enjoy it. He is all-powerful and He loves me. So the question of whether or not I think my life is worth it is irrelevant to the question of whether I should put forth the effort to sustain it. These are the moments I think I see things clearest: when I know I am not worthy of living, my only justification for existance is found in God's love, in what I can't comprehend. No quantitative values here. Infinity and beyond is beyond measurement. So I got up and ate something.

A second random thought was about fighting evils, specifically abortion, but all evils that have a way of disguising and twisting themselves. They take root in people's minds once accepted, and from there invade and destroy hearts and may possess souls. "...the great battle/mission that is not that of brother against brother, but that of each and all against evil, of disregard for the value of all life..."(from an email) In the case of abortion, the war is made of many innumerable and sometimes hidden battles over individual lives. The battles take place when a pregnant woman considers abortion and is encouraged or discouraged, when a person talks another into or out of abortion, when a position on the issue is likely to change. There is no single way to end all abortion forever. Abortions have been occurring since the times of the Athenians and Spartans, perhaps earlier. Illegal abortions were performed in America off the record before 1973, granted, I'm sure in much smaller numbers than the 4,000/day since 1973. A legislation will not end it. A rule will not end abortion, even if the rule is government-enforced. The most I dare to hope for from a law is discouragement in individual cases. (At this point, some "women's rights" activists will explode if the govenment would turn back on Roe vs. Wade now, something I don't think I will need to worry about happening any time soon. It would only create more enmity and division, tear apart those who appear to be united and strong, force us to see ourselves for who we really are. Not that I'm against an argument for what is right, but it is good to have the opportunity to place everything in the open. By the way, I consider myself a feminist. I believe that although men and women are different, we are equals, fellow humans. We deserve the same rights and equal wages for equal work. We deserve the same opportunities and the independence to make our own decisions. I do not, however, believe one of the decisions any human, male or female, should make is whether an unborn human or partially born human is given the opportunity to live and experience natural death. Sometimes, that is called murder. Who is anyone who has been born to decide that? The unborn is not another piece of the mother's body tissue. Physiologically, it is a separate individual. Women's rights are not threatened by having children. Actually, having children is one of the perks and privileges of being female.) Anyways, the dignity of the (innocent and defenseless) unborn can be realized only by the conversion of hearts. So we have our work cut out for us, because it is so easy to believe a convenient lie, no matter how obvious.

A third random thought that I was thinking was about how I was stressing over completing my colleges apps for the last four months. Now that they are basically done, they seem like busy work. They are so easy, really. The essays are the worst part, and they are short, 500 words or less. They are ridiculously easy. Like, it's scary. How could something that important be so thoughtlessly completed? Strange. And the everyday schoolwork that I will never remember doing, the assignments that don't seem to matter are so difficult. Seems kinda backwards to me, but I'm still trying to figure out the logic and strength behind the modern school system. The entire thing seems twisted to me, but then again, I am still trapped in it, so I am biased.

The fourth random thought is so random, I don't know where it came from. I was thinking about after death, when everyone is judged individually, when we are sent to Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory. (oh, maybe this is where it came from) I was thinking about the quote from Corinthians earlier, the one that says "Love never fails", and how one of my teachers once said, "Life is full of tests", reffering to real life where books are not as important as what actually happens in 3-dimensional life, in relationships and such. I was thinking that Love never fails the many tests life brings. "You know well enought that our Lord does not look so much at the greatness of our actions, nor even at their difficulty, but at the love with which we do them." (St. Therese of Liseux) I understand that this sounds unbelievably idealistic and naiive to actually hold as a truth, maybe even crazy, but it depends on what is considered "failing the tests of life". Again, perspective plays a huge role in understanding. "Luke, you'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view." (Obi Wan, SW V) While the truth is not relative, it can't really be fully understood if you are trying to see only the part that is easily understood from where you stand, because the truth is huge. It can never be fully understood by our impure, fallen intellects or our selfish, small hearts. But we can try. We do try. Guess what science is? Guess what art is? Guess what life is? We try without realizing it. Ranting again. About Love as this amazing thing that never fails life's tests and is all God looks for when examining our actions. The love I am thinking of is pure, selfless, active, loyal, and eternal. The love I am thinking of is the goal and reason for creation. The love I am thinking of is the manifestation of the Truth. Explain to me how something so simple, so huge, so humble, so powerful, so untouchable can be defeated, and Chesterton among many other logical philosophers will be referenced, yet they can be confusing in their complexity. Back to the main thought. After death, The Test. "Love never fails", right? So for the longest time (I am 17, so for a large fraction of my life), I thought The Test would be something like the question "Have you loved Me?". Then one day, I was introduced to the idea that it could be "What have you done to further My glory on earth?". Do we have enough courage and humility to reply with "nothing", that we are not the source of any of the good that comes from anything we have done, that it was God all along, working through us, His instruments, His servants? Do we have what it takes to admit that we are nothing and God is everything? Can we claim none of our sufferings as ours, and unite all of the blood, sweat, and tears of our struggles to the Cross of Christ? Do we have the guts to let go of everything we know and understand to place our eternities in the hands of this mysterious, omnipotent being? Do we have a choice?



So somewhere between the beauties and the letdowns of this life, between the suicidal naiivity and the fatal despair, there is reality. Somewhere there is a healthy perspective, somewhere there is truth, somewhere there is life, and that in abundance. Somewhere, maybe in letting go of it all. Maybe in realizing the beauty is in the letdown.


Try finding the answer in a textbook, in a class. Try a coffee shop, a gym, a hospital, a soup kitchen, a family with a new member fresh from the hands of God.



"What do they teach in schools these days?"
~ Professor Kirke, Narnia

pains...are more precious

As the Ruin Falls
by C.S. Lewis

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love -- a scholar's parrot may talk Greek --
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge my which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

strategy

This was sent to me by a friend when she saw that I started a pro-life group on facebook. As of right now, I am stripped of my facebook priveleges, and since this info is meant to be shared, I'm giving it to you until I can share it with those on facebook. I like the strategy of argument presented here. I think it is the most effective way to persuade and respect. Hope it's helpful.

Suppose that you have just five minutes to graciously defend your pro-life beliefs with friends or classmates. Can you do it with rational arguments? What should you say? And how can you simplify the abortion issue for those who think it’s hopelessly complex?

Here’s how to succeed in three easy steps:

1) Clarify the issue. Pro-life advocates contend that elective abortion unjustly takes the life of a defenseless human being. This simplifies the abortion controversy by focusing public attention on just one question: Is the unborn a member of the human family? If so, killing him or her to benefit others is a serious moral wrong. It treats the distinct human being, with his or her own inherent moral worth, as nothing more than a disposable instrument. Conversely, if the unborn are not human, killing them for any reason requires no more justification than having a tooth pulled.

In other words, arguments based on “choice” or “privacy” miss the point entirely. Would anyone that you know support a mother killing her toddler in the name of “choice and who decides?” Clearly, if the unborn are human, like toddlers, we shouldn’t kill them in the name of choice anymore than we would a toddler. Again, this debate is about just one question: What is the unborn?

At this point, some may object that your comparisons are not fair—that killing a fetus is morally different than killing a toddler. Ah, but that’s the issue, isn’t it? Are the unborn, like toddlers, members of the human family? That is the one issue that matters.

Remind your critics that you are vigorously “pro-choice” when it comes to women choosing a number of moral goods. You support a woman’s right to choose her own doctor, to choose her own husband, to choose her own job, and to choose her own religion, to name a few. These are among the many choices that you fully support for women. But some choices are wrong, like killing innocent human beings simply because they are in the way and cannot defend themselves. No, we shouldn’t be allowed to choose that.


2) Defend your pro-life position with science and philosophy. Scientifically, we know that from the earliest stages of development, the unborn are distinct, living, and whole human beings. Leading embryology books confirm this. Prior to his abortion advocacy, former Planned Parenthood President Dr. Alan Guttmacher was perplexed that anyone, much less a medical doctor, would question this. "This all seems so simple and evident that it is difficult to picture a time when it wasn't part of the common knowledge," he wrote in his book Life in the Making.

Philosophically, we can say that embryos are less developed than newborns (or, for that matter, toddlers) but this difference is not morally significant in the way abortion advocates need it to be.

Consider the claim that the immediate capacity for self-awareness bestows value on human beings. Notice that this is not an argument, but an arbitrary assertion. Why is some development needed? And why is this particular degree of development (i.e., higher brain function) decisive rather than another? These are questions that abortion advocates do not adequately address.

Put simply, there is no morally significant difference between the embryo you once were and the adult you are today. Differences of size, level of development, environment, and degree of dependency are not relevant such that we can say that you had no rights as an embryo but you do have rights today. Think of the acronym SLED as a helpful reminder of these non-essential differences:

• Size: True, embryos are smaller than newborns and adults, but why is that relevant? Do we really want to say that large people are more human than small ones? Men are generally larger than women, but that doesn’t mean that they deserve more rights. Size doesn’t equal value.
• Level of development: True, embryos and fetuses are less developed than you and I. But again, why is this relevant? Four year-old girls are less developed than 14 year-old ones. Should older children have more rights than their younger siblings? Some people say that self-awareness makes one human. But if that is true, newborns do not qualify as valuable human beings. Six-week old infants lack the immediate capacity for performing human mental functions, as do the reversibly comatose, the sleeping, and those with Alzheimer’s Disease.
• Environment: Where you are has no bearing on who you are. Does your value change when you cross the street or roll over in bed? If not, how can a journey of eight inches down the birth-canal suddenly change the essential nature of the unborn from non-human to human? If the unborn are not already human, merely changing their location can’t make them valuable.
• Degree of Dependency: If viability makes us human, then all those who depend on insulin or kidney medication are not valuable and we may kill them. Conjoined twins who share blood type and bodily systems also have no right to life.
  

In short, it’s far more reasonable to argue that although humans differ immensely with respect to talents, accomplishments, and degrees of development, they are nonetheless equal because they share a common human nature.

perception.

I have not really been wanting to eat these last couple days. I have been eating because I know I need to. I have had a very difficult time focusing. I can't concentrate on anything for any profitable length of time. I have been having very huge emotional swings. I am very happy, then something will happen or someone will do something and I will become enraged. Then I need to fight myself to stay calm and not verbally attack people. I want to be left alone, I've been distancing myself from the people around me. And I have been too apathetic towards my schoolwork. Honestly, few people if anyone sincerely cares about their schoolwork at my age. I want to do my best, but when I sit down to do something I can't concentrate and I find myself convincing myself that my effort is worthless, pointless, a waste of my life, no one really cares, it doesn't matter, so many excuses and lies that I begin to believe and even act on. I want my teachers to yell at me. They trust me too much. They are allowing me to just kinda float along, passing, but not the way I could be or should be. I want them to scare me into working. That's the easiest way out: being scared into action. I think it would require something more to do something out of devotion or discipline instead of fear. It is more difficult to live with myself and my choices. I can ignore other people and what they have to say. I can't shut myself out. It is more difficult to push myself into action because that would mean that I actually care about what happens to myself in the long run. I don't know if I actually do, but I should if for no other reason than the people who love me want to see me happy and reaching my potential. If I can't motivate myself for them, I am being selfish. It's that simple. Yet there is so much more to it.

I am surrounded by people who believe in a part of me that I cannot see. They believe in my abilities or a part of my personality or character. It is so scary. Again, it would be so much easier to just be totally apathetic. To care is to feel and experience. To care is to be alive. Pain is inseparable from life. Work is inseparable from truly abundant life, what life is supposed to be. Humility is inseparable from love in its truest sense.

I wanna wake up kicking and screaming
I wanna wake up kicking and screaming
I wanna live like I know what I'm leaving
I wanna know that my heart's still beating,
it's beating, it's beating, it's beating,
I'm bleeding.
~ Awakening, Switchfoot

Life is fraughtless when you're thoughtless
Those who don't try never look foolish
Dancing through life, mindless and careless
Make sure your where less trouble is rife
Woes are fleeting, blows are glancing
When you're dancing throug life.
~ Dancing Through Life, Wicked


This sort of thing has happened to me before. I would say that it has something to do with the weather, but it is very early in the season. The sun has not been too scarce. I should have enough Vitamin D in my body to last me at least into December.


I have a tendancy to pick up on people's flaws sometimes, like they become very noticeable to me. Sometimes the flaws make me angry, but there is nothing I can do. I wonder how there can still be good in people. At these times I need to remind myslef that they have value simply because they are human. Just because I, for the moment, can see no value in a person does not mean that they have none. They are still loved, and more than they or I can ever know, even if they are the worst kind of person imaginable. Maybe I need to change my perception. Maybe I need to learn to see the good in people better. I cannot altogether forget the flaws - that would be completely naiive and even suicidal. But maybe I need to see the person hiding behind the flaws.

I love being surprised by people when the last person I would expect to say something encouraging or truthful comes out with a profundity or expresses appreciation for something I may not have even noticed. To me, it is nothing short of a miracle that anyone, including myself, possess any capacity to experience, identify, or understand any part of the truth. Everyone has flaws and weaknesses and problems. Maybe these burdens somehow make us strong. Maybe we can best experience beauty in suffering, in honesty despite pain. Maybe beauty and suffering are inseparable. Maybe our burdens can somehow become our strengths. Maybe our crucifixions somehow lead to life of a more abundant kind. Maybe what we cannot see is the most real.

The most evil thing and the most beautiful thing that has ever transpired in human history are the same event.


"Just as drowning cannot be equated with swimming, neither is mere existance the same as abundant life."
~ Jon Foreman


More Than It Seems
by Kutless

Is my imagination running away,
or is all this really happening to me?
Am I a prince in a faraway land filled with fantasy?

Where is reality and
what are the actions that will define who I am?
I am holding onto the visions I've seen of what I could be.
It's what I should be.

More than it seems, these dreams inside
blur reality's line.
If I could believe the dreams aside
I am capable more than it seems.

Passing through darkness into my own world
Will I be more than when I left?
Never letting go of the lessons I learned,
this will make a change,
a change within me.

More than it seems, these dreams inside
blur reality's line.
If I could believe the dreams aside
I am capable more than it seems.

This time I won't run away.
I found the strength to face life's long days.
This time I won't run away.

More than it seems, these dreams inside (show me the way to these dreams)
blur reality's line. (till there's nothing left of me)
If I could believe the dreams aside (show me the way to these dreams)
I am capable more than it seems.

Till there's nothing left of me,
show me the way to these dreams.

----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----

Daisy
by Switchfoot

Daisy, give yourself away
look up at the rain,
a beautiful display
of power and surrender
giving us today
when she gives herself away

Rain, another rainy day
comes up from the ocean
to give herself away
she comes down easy
on rich and debt the same
when she gives herself away

let it go
Daisy, let it go
open up your fists
this fallen world
doesn't hold your interest,
it doesn't hold your soul
Daisy, let it go

Pain, give yourself a name
call yourself contrition,
avarice of blame
giving isn't easy
neither is the rain
when she gives herself away

Daisy, why another day?
why another sunrise?
who will take the blame
for all redemptive motion
and every rainy day
when He gives Himself away?

let it go
Daisy, let it go
open up your fists
this fallen world
it doesn't hold your interest
it doesn't hold your soul
Daisy, let it go

let it go
and you let it go
let it go
let it go, go
let it go

form of cowardice

I have felt like a jerk all week. I am not sure why. It is not a pleasant feeling. Maybe it's because it is so easy for me to lie to myself, which makes it much easier for me to lie to other people. I hate deception. I have never thought lying to oneself was a huge offense, but maybe it is just because it means the truth is not given due reverence. And it is telling yourself that you can't handle the truth so you don't feel like you are, it is a form of cowardice. Maybe that's why I feel like a jerk. Not to mention the fact that I don't feel like I've tried my hardest in everything. I don't think I could have done more or better, I have tried my hardest, but something inside is turning on me in anger. I don't know what I did, or didn't do, or what triggered this. I have been very stressed all week, too. There has been a lot on my mind, it feels like everything is happening at once. I try to take it as it comes and not worry about what is not mine to handle yet. I've been frieking out easily as a result. The week has taken its toll. And it has left me feeling like a jerk.
Here I sit typing this out, as if anyone cares. If I didn't need to deal with it, I wouldn't care. Great. I should go. I feel like there is so much more to say. Oh well. Good night.
peace
sarah

"Wisdom and goodness to the vile seem vile.
Filths savor but themselves. What have you done?
If that the heavens do not their visible spirits
send quickly down to tame [these] vile offenses,
it will come:
Humanity must perforce prey on itself,
like monsters of the deep."
~ W. Shakespeare, King Lear, Act 4 Scene 2

"...more power..."

" ...more power than the atomic bomb. "

I only post articles that make me tear up. That includes this one.
I think this writer is very powerful, not because of his writing skills, but because he is completely honest and always poses a question.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
I don't think you'll regret it.
peace to you
sarah

P.S. : The title of the article is "Goodness Precedes Greatness: A Call For New Heroes in Troubled Times".

love letter

September 29, 2009

To everyone in my life who has ever given me a battle and stood by me as I fought it:

I want to tell you that you have hurt me, scarred me, affected my life and changed the way I see things. You have taught me things I've never wanted to know. You've all become a voice that sounds like myself to me now, but it isn't me. I can't shake it away. I will carry that with me forever. Your remarks, your complaints, your swearing, your standards. It slows me down and I would be much better off without it. You've made me doubt my own strength. You've made me weak. Because of you I've done things I haven't wanted to do. Because of you, I didn't do things I've felt I had to. I blame my shortcomings on you, not me, because I could not have brought them on myself alone.

I want to tell you I have cried myself to sleep many times because you are a part of my past. I want to tell you I've hurt other people because I'm afraid of you, because you made me afraid of myself. You hurt me and made it seem like it was my fault, that it was inevitable. I bought it. You make me afraid of myself. You've told me I'm inadequate in every way. Between yourselves, I've been told that I'm weird, lazy, mediochre, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not good enough, not perfect enough (for whom?), knowing that I would change myself so I wouldn't fit your words. I've felt controlled by you, and sometimes I still do. I don't know if I can tell whether the people around me are friends or foes. I'm afraid they're like you. I second guess them always.

Here's some cliche, but it's true: I tried to change myself for you, because I wanted you to accept me. But I couldn't accept myself like that because I felt lost inside myself. I still don't know who I am or what I want. It would have been better if you had just come right out and rejected me to my face than to barely tolerate me as you did/do. The voice I hear inside myself is mine. The words are not. You've confused me to my core. I have wished I could go back many times, so I could choose different people, or to tell you off, or myself off so I could allow myself to feel everything, or I would walk away, or I would kick and scream and cry and curse until you could hear and see the struggle you've put inside me. I want to change the choices I've made because of you. I want to tell you that your drama, tv, hair, shoes, purses, your things are not worth me, and I would be much better off if I had never known you. I want you to know that these are transparent disguises you use to hide yourself from the world. You'll deny it. I know you will. The only person you are really hiding yourself from is yourself. I can see through your glitter. You'll have to face yourself one day. I want you to know that how you grow and what you learn about yourself and other people because of your Prada things, and what you do with them is where they get their value. They don't give you value, as you seem to believe. What you do doesn't give you your worth. You give what you own and what you do value. Get over it. You've been shallow, insensitive, and selfish, and I feel sorry for you.

* * *

I've read that there are three lies everyone must overcome:

1) I am what I have.

2) I am who other people say I am.

3) I am what I do.

* * *

I want to tell you that you've hurt me, scarred me, affected my life and changed the way I see things. You have taught me things I've never wanted to know, taken me places I've never wanted to be, made me listen to things I've never wanted to hear. You've all become a voice that sounds like myself to me now, but it isn't me, my words, they're yours. And I am sick of it. Somehow, though, now that I never see you, or will not listen to you, depending on who you are, I look back and see struggles and pain and the theft of personal integrity. I'm thankful. That sounds ridiculous. Laugh if you want, see if I care. I'm thankful because when I am forced to wrestle you in my mind, I feel like I'm fighting myself. I learn who I am and become proud of it. I'm thankful to you because you have told me who I don't want to be. I'm thankful to you because you have forced me to fight the three lies you hold true. I'm thankful to you because without you I would never have heard things I've never wanted to hear, I would've never gone to places I've never wanted to be, I wouldn't have acted the way I acted, I wouldn't know the things I've never wanted to know. Thanks to you I've seen both sides, and looking back, I understand them. And I know where I stand, seemingly alone sometimes. I could not have done that myself. By hurting me, by offering me resistance, you've given me a reason to reject you and everything you stand for, a way for me to grow. Thank you for giving me these battles, because I've grown from them, and I'm not done. Thank you to everyone in my life who has given me a battle and stood near me as they watched me fight it. You've helped me become strong by showing me I'm weak.

peace to each of you.

sarah

"I couldn't love people without first being hated."

~Stephen Christian

an article

a link

(your choice)

A Franciscan Benediction



May God bless you with discomfort

at easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships

so that you may live deep within your heart.



May God bless you with anger

at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people

so that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace.



May God bless you with tears

to shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger, and war

so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them

and turn their pain into joy.



And may God bless you with enough foolishness

to believe that you can make a difference in the world,

so that you can do what others claim cannot be done

to bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.



Amen.

* * *

I'm going to begin with a fact I hope you know is true and I'm going to ask you to continue reading. Please know that my intention is not to offend anyone, merely to stimulate thought, conversation, and maybe even a different pattern in action, all in an honest, truthful way. If you find a peice of information posted here to be invalid, please point it out and ask me to address it in the "comments" section. Here I go.



Abortion is legal in the United States.

Before I continue, I think abortion should be defined, just so we're on the same page.


abortion: induced termination of a pregnancy with destruction of the embryo or fetus (link to thefreedictionary.com)
pregnancy: the condition of carrying developing offspring within the body
embryo: an unborn animal or human being in the early stages of development, in humans up to approximately the end of the second month of pregnancy
- something in an early stage of development
fetus: In humans, the unborn young from the end of the eighth week after conception to the moment of birth, as distinguished from the earlier embryo

I would like to point out that the word "development" is very common in these defintions concerning human life before birth, which means that there is something or someone being developed. When, at any point before death, is any human being not developing in some way? The human body is constantly changing and renewing itself, replacing old cells with new cells, looking to improve itself. A poster of a flower in my old science classroom reads: "Growth is the only evidence of life".

Reworded, abortion can be defined as the induced termination of the development of an unborn human being. But, still, a human being.

So now it is understood that this conversation or rant (your choice) is going to be about the life and death of human beings.

I have asked myself many times how a nation, a community founded with the following beautiful and true ideas and goals in mind, could allow things such as, but not limited to, abortion to legally occur within these borders.

"We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

~The Preamble to the Constitution of the United States of America,1787

(don't know why it did that. sorry. highlight to see the entire excerpt.)



"We hold thses truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed."

~The Declaration of Independence, 1776

This last bit means to me that the majority of voting American citizens prefer that abortion is legal, or they are ignorant of it. Which astounds me.

I don't know how many people have ever read or heard the modern version of the Hippocratic Oath (the oath doctors and physicians have taken for centuries before receiving their Medical Degrees). The following is an excerpt from it which I found particularly interesting.

"I will follow the method of treatment which according to my ability and judgment, I consider for the benefit of my patient and abstain from whatever is harmful or mischievious. I will neither prescribe nor administer a lethal dose of medicine to any patient even if asked nor counsel any such thing nor perform the utmost respect for every human life from fertilization to natural death and reject abortion that delibierately takes a unique human life."

(the entire excerpt is a link to the source)

For the record, many women suffer from an emotional disorder called Post-Abortion Syndrome (link for more info) after they have an abortion. And abortion often results in sterility for a long period of time, if not life. But few people know this because few people are told this, and people working in abortion facilities would certainly never tell you this. One guess why (hint: it begins with a "$").

* * *

Where is our sense of honor? Where has the value of our word gone? How can we allow ourselves to be pacified as we sit and surf the internet, knowing that the unborn are being murdered (by various methods, all of which cruel) everyday, unprotected and unwanted? How can the majority of Americans, whom I want to believe are basically good, allow these monstrosities to progress into such dark territory - sacrificing the innocent and defenseless to evil? What kind of animal would do this to the young of their own species, besides humanity?

To be clear, I realize that America is far from the only nation in the world to allow abortion. Some countries even insist on abortions to be performed (God help us if and when that darkest of days is ever reached here). I have been repeating that I cannot believe Americans would consent to abortion because Americans are the ones who take freedom of speech for granted, who express their thoughts and feelings how and when they want to. And for the most part, I'm hearing silence on this subject and seeing a general darkening of human action here as people dodge arguments instead of entering a civil, productive conversation. It is painful, especially in the moments when one feels like a lone Crusader, fighting for what you believe is right though you may be the last fighter for the truth in the face of the world with all its deceptions. Which is when I need to remember my family and friends and that I'm not alone, I'm part of a community. That is more than the aborted can say.

* * *

PLEASE NOTE: I have included the following links because I believe that they contain valuable information, necessary for exposing the truth. However, they might contain graphic information and/or visuals, as abortions are not merely another medical procedure.

This sentence is a link to a neutral website describing different methods of abortion.

This sentence is a link to the Planned Parenthood page offering information on abortion.

(Planned Parenthood is the largest abortion provider in America)

This sentence is a link to a pro-life website providing information on abortion.

This sentence is a link to a medical website (reccommended as an informational resource in the embryology unit of a Human Anatomy and Physiology, Continued course last school year), outlining human development after conception and before birth.

* * *

Above, I have not looked at the issue of abortion as a religious issue, because I think people tend to forget that it's a human issue, not one exclusively for religious activists. It is for everyone. There is a question here of morality. This is a human issue. That means it affects all people, personally or indirectly. I have examined abortion above through a scientific lense, because scientific study is a pursuit of truth. Since I believe my religion contains the fullness of the truth, science cannot stand without it.

The religion I believe in tells me human life begins at the moment of conception and that all human life has diginity because God created it and willed it to live and gave it life, and even died for it. Because He loves it. People are not supposed to kill people. They are supposed to love people, if for no other reason than God loves other people. I've heard the argument that God gave us free will, so why shouldn't we use it? God gave us free will because He wants us to love Him. If we did not have free will, we could not love; love is a choice, freely given and freely received. We, humanity, are asked to choose life.

"But Jesus turning to them said, "Daughters of Jerusalem, stop weeping for Me, but weep for yourselves and for your children. For behold, the days are coming when they will say, 'Blessed are the barren, and the wombs that never bore, and the breasts that never nursed.' For if they do these things when the tree is green, what will happen when it is dry?" (Luke 23: 28, 29, & 31)

I believe that the scientific evidence supports the religious truth that human life begins at the moment of conception. (If I haven't mentioned this yet, there are 46 chromosomes in every human cell (somatic cells), except the reproductive cells (gametes, ie sperm/egg cells) where there are 23. When the sperm cell penetrates the egg cell at the moment of conception, the two cells literally become one cell with 46 chromosomes. This cell is called a zygote. The zygote divides many times to become the many cells found in the human body.) And I also believe the human conscience naturally rightly judges that homicide is morally wrong.

* * *

If you have read all the way down to here, congratulations are in order.

Thank you.

As I said before, comments, questions, and arguments are welcome.

peace to you

sarah

* * *

do you remember when

we were way back then

you held the world

inside your hands

when you told me

love was the strongest stuff,

your strength

was innocence

~Innocence Again, by Switchfoot

another random quote

"The men of the East may spell the stars,
and times and triumphs mark,
but the men signed of the Cross of Christ
Go gaily in the dark."
~ G.K. Chesterton, "The Ballad of the White Horse"

one random quote

"Be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers...live the questions."
~Rilke

confuddlement. contradictory. collide.

First off, I just stumbled across a blog I've never seen before. The feeling I get from the latest blog is perfect for my mood right now, as are some of the words. link here.

And the song from the Scrubb's episode it is linked to is showing me the sense in thoughts that have been swirling around my head today. I'm playing it until I don't need a music player to hear it perfectly in my head, so I'll never forget it. Also, I love acoustic guitar by itself and I love the violin. Very pretty.

Second, defeat cannot be defeated. (Thank you to Mr. Chesterton for explaining this).

Third, a couple nights ago, I was laying in bed trying to tell my mind that if it had something to say, go away, but of course it didn't. So I couldn't sleep and so was at the mercy of my thoughts. As has often been the case, but less so recently, I was worried about my future, things that I couldn't control from the present if I wanted to. Two problems: 1) I feel the need to control my future, and 2) I have no idea what I should do in the future. And I knew there was some reason why I'm being led, or leading myself, in aimless circles, trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with my life. I knew that until I understand to see the good in my present I'll never see it in my future. I realized that this state of helplessness is where I'm supposed to be right now, so my only choice is trust. I'm always supposed to trust, but I am never really comfortable with it. I like feeling in control at least of my life, as if I could do a better job. Anyways, I realized that I'm not really in control and I can feel it so powerfully now because I need to learn to trust before I do anything else. I'll know what I need when I need it, and until then I am going to keep trying my best in everything, learning to breathe, learning to trust, learning who I am, growing.

There is a poster in a science classroom at school, of a yellow flower growing out of the ground. "Growth is the only evidence of life."

Laying in bed, feeling silence on my skin and hearing a fight in my head, I realized that I'm supposed to continue growing no matter what. I need to choose to do something that I feel comfortable enough in that I can loose myself in it, so I can learn life, so I can grow.

I've never seriously considered doing anything that is not science, but science frustrates me. If I look into my past, I have always cowered in the face of frustration. Actually, every time I've ever given up on something or myself it was out of either frustration or fear, or a combination of the two.
Recently, I read that scientists generally tend to think they know all the answers. They foster the illusion that they are in control. The part that I don't understand is why everyone else agrees. Why is it that if you see a person just like you in an ad on tv wearing a white coat and stethoscope, suddenly everything they say becomes worth allowing yourself a rare pause to hear? Their understanding cannot be any greater then their education, their teachers, their books. As a side note, the idea of not going to college just to avoid the modern school system has crossed my mind, but that's a discussion for another day.

I discovered that I am strangely very comfortable with the idea of being some sort of artist. I am not continually questioning that idea as I am the former. It's weird, completely illogical, and against my nature to even consider willfully entering a field that is so competitive and unstable, uncontrolled. But I can find peace in the idea more than in any other that has gone through my head.

My instinct leads me one way, my logic leads me another.

Confuddlement. Yet greater clarity than I've experienced on this subject ever.

Contradictory. Better.


Collide
By Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
a light shining through
you're barely waking
and I'm tangled up in you

I'm open, you're closed
where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on Your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back You fall in time
I somehow find You and I collide

Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find You and I collide

You finally find You and I collide
You finally find You and I collide

a thought

If I could be a part of changing a single thing in the world, I would end offenses against unborn humanity, including but not limited to abortion, contraception, and embryonic stem cell research.
I choose this war because it is a silent war against the innocent and defenseless in my own homeland.
I choose this war because it can only be won by changing minds rather than legislations, by converting hearts.
I choose this war because it is by far the bloodiest in American history.
I choose this genocide because while I have felt the muted cries of the unborn I've seen apathy toward their cause, and I feel the echo of the blow against them.
I choose this war because I know the truth and I've heard the lies, and I believe it's time for the lies to die.

In understanding and valuing every human being, from the moment of conception, a culture would be transformed. The dignity of the individual would be realized. The general view toward women would change from "sex objects" because the "consequence" would be a child. In turn the general view of manhood would change to guardian of the family. The fiber of society would be repaired because the basic foundation of the family unit would be restored. Science would stop clinging to false hopes and politics can return to national defense and economics. The view of personhood would change entirely.

Maybe it's unrealistic or even insane to believe all this can happen. But I have to hope and rest assured that at the core of the human spirit, beneath the materials and the emptiness and the suffering there is something beautiful, a force of good called faith. This faith means a potential for love. And I know of no greater power than active love.


"I will neither prescribe nor administer a lethal dose of medicine to any patient even if asked nor counsel any such thing nor perform the utmost respect for every human life from fertilization to natural death and reject abortion that deliberately takes a unique human life."
~From the Modern version of the Hippocratic Oath

On Fire.

These are some of my all-time favorite lyrics.
About a year and a half ago, I came home from school and felt like my entire nervous system would crash at any given moment. Which doesn't make any sense because nothing too special happened that day. But I found myself yelling at everyone, so I retreated to my room, closed the door, and went on YouTube. (Music has always had a therapeutic affect on me.) I heard this song for the first time (acoustic version) and broke down crying. It was the beginning of a healing process for me, one that will probably never end, but so be it. I still think this song is very powerful.
Enjoy.

On Fire
Switchfoot

They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you
knows there's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire when He speaks
You're on fire burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
give me one more chance to see
give me everything You are
give me one more chance to be near You

When everything inside me
looks like everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

and I'm on fire
when You're near me
I'm on fire when You speak
I'm on fire burning at these mysteries

I'm standing on the edge of me (multiple x)
I'm standing on the edge of me again
I'm standing on the edge of me
I'm standing on the edge

I'm on fire
When I'm near You
I'm on fire when You speak
I'm on fire burning at these mysteries

Your mysteries

i dunno

When I look at something, I have a tendancy to critique it before I praise it. So today when I looked out the car window and saw houses and trees and cars, and perceived it all as beautiful, and the flaws did not diminish the beauty at all, it was a brief striking moment. I quickly pondered if that is the way God sees the world. Then it was over.
When I meet a person, I try to understand who they are by understanding what they've been through in the past and where they are today, without judging them. Just to understand the individual. I guess I don't like to judge people because, although I may not agree with the way they've responded to their past circumstances, I will never know if I would have made the same choice. If you let them, most people will give you a reason that made sense to them at the time their decision was made. You can see how they believed they were doing what they believed best in their eyes and hear it in their voice. I have to believe that a higher purpose was at play whether it seems logical or not to me, or to the person whose decisions are in discussion.
When I look at a culture, I look at the "lowercase people", the people who are the most looked down on by their culture. The way they are treated tells me how strong the culture is.
A law of physics: "An object is only as strong as its weakest point".
To me, this means that it's easy to flatter the strong people, more daring to praise the poor.

I was talking to my mom in the car once about buildings and how the centuries-old stone buildings in Europe are still standing in good condition, and they are so much more artistically appealing then the rectangular buildings that always seem to be breaking and being torn down and reconstructed around here. I asked why and immediately said Well, that was a stupid question. Certainly not lack of resources. Money. Our culture supports the idea that it's best to gain the most money from the smallest output. Basically, it's cheaper to build something with weaker materials and easier to build something simple than it is to build something that takes years to design, years to build out of quality materials; therefore, it must be better to barely create something weak than to try to create something strong. So I concluded that this culture is founded on waste; it's bound to crumble from the inside out.

I've read two different accounts of people who have visited Darfur with the intention of helping the people there and giving them hope, and the knowledge that their sufferings have not been forgotten. Both accounts, one by Jon Foreman and the other by Eduardo Verastegui, express the humility experienced by these travellers when they found that they were given much more than they gave. They were surprised to see joy and hope in each individual's face, much more than they see here.
Mother Theresa was once asked to give a speech to recieve the Nobel Prize. In her speech, she said that we have everything, but we in the West are the truly poor, because even as we are financially secure and physically healthy, we have no foundation of love in our own homes. This is a link to the speech.

I've never read anything from Mother Theresa before except her quotes that are everywhere. It is worth taking a minute to read the speech. It's hard to find things this beautiful said anymore.


Do you remember when we were just kids
and cardboard boxes took us miles
from what we would miss;
schoolyard conversations
taken to heart,
and laughter took the place
of everything we knew we were not?

I wanna break every clock-
The hands of time would never move again.
We could stay in this moment
for the rest of our lives.
Is it over now?
Hey, is it over now?

Amazing how life turns out the way that it does.
We end up hurtin the worst
the only ones we really love.
~From Inevitable, by anberlin

4:45 am

4:45 am - I cannot go to sleep and either my cat is often moving around under my bed, where she has not been in a couple years to the best of my knowledge, or there are mice moving around inside my wall near the recently-opened vent. I think I know which it is and I'm not too comfortable in my room right now. I think I'll be sleeping on the floor downstairs until either the vent in my wall is covered or wall-dwellers go extinct, whichever comes first.

Maybe warm milk and a flannel quilt will do the trick.

Good night.

hey.

lowercasepeople.com

hey.

i've had a lot to say lately, but i (obviously) haven't posted any of it. there's too much to say, not enough time to say it, not enough space to say it, so i haven't bothered to attempt.

i've just sat here staring at the screen for 3 minutes trying to remember what one of the many things i've wanted to post was about, but i've produced nothing more than a blank.

sorry. next time i'm up at 3 in the morning, unable to sleep with a mind that refuses to be silent, i will put on my slippers and blog my heart out.


"Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent."

"Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed."

"The chain reaction of evil must be broken or else we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation."

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."

"If we are to go forward, we must go back and rediscover those precious values - that all reality hinges on moral foundations and that all reality has spiritual control."

~Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Modern-day Chivalry

links to a (semi-)new concept:

Midevil Knights

Holy Chivalry and Tales of Chivalry

I read what I can of these and I noticed the second link is aimed at a male audience. I think that females are as important in this "battle" as the men, if not more important. My mom once told me that disrespect for unborn human life is not going to end until the women begin fighting for it. She's right. It's easy to see how the mothers are directly involved in this battle, but all women are called to raise and protect children; it's in our programming. Although being a genetic, blood mother most definitely strengthens the maternal instinct, you do not need to have a baby to have the maternal instinct.
Also, women should practice modesty to help men see past their bodies and respect them as a mind and soul, as an equal rather than "an object", which creates empty, broken relationships and weakens humanity as a whole.


It makes me angry when I hear a woman put men down in the name of feminism (dictionary.com: "the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men"). The true name for this is sexism (dictionary.com: "the belief that one sex is naturally superior to the other and should dominate most important areas of political, economic and social life"). These definitions speak for themselves.

People were made to live together, to coexist.
"We were made to be lovers, bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home."

Millions of Faces

Sometimes I wish I were not fallible, and other times I'm thankful that I am. Sometimes all I can see are the difficulties I create for myself and I want to give in, I want to give up and say that the fight is not worth it anymore, if the fight ever was worth it. Other times I can see what I could gain or create because I'm standing firm and resisting the urge to quit fighting - which is the surest way to loose the war - to loose the resolve and desire to win. To loose my passion for the cause. To forget to persist.

I don't know what the purpose of all this matter around me is, any more than I know the meaning of life, any more than I know the reason of my own life. I've got an idea that it's all about loving and being loved and learning who we are from eachother.

But who knows? Maybe it's better to waste and destroy materials and gifts, or worse still, tear eachother down and ignite anger and hate. Maybe creating division is the surest way to ensure strength. Maybe united is not the way we stand. Maybe the Dark side of the Force is the better way; the quick and easy path is not so bad after all. Yet, I remember: "Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny," . The promise of escape is temporary, a mere remedy. It is not true as Truth, absolute and everlasting. It turns your freedom against you in ways difficult to realize, but powerful nonetheless.

"We were made to be lovers, bold in broken places..."
Love's truest definition is not a feeling, but a choice to give yourself to a cause out of humility and respect.

"...Millions of faces
are looking for a movement.
cause everything's stuck
and everything's frozen,
everyone's broken.
And nobody moves
and everyone's scared
that the motion will never come.

This is the incompletion
stuck in a line.

LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT."
~Switchfoot, Love is the Movement

Puddleglum Rules

Hey.

It's been a while since I've posted anything. Finals are finally over and summer is wonderful. Grad parties, summer jobs, books, movies, little to no stress, . . . it's wonderful to contemplate and awakening to slow the pace for a while. I'm very lucky.

I have been replaying scenes from my favorite books in my head over and over the past few weeks. It kinda starts driving me crazy when my mind has a hard time climbing out of the books and into what's happening around me in real life. I hesitate to call it reality because my favorite books are "The Fairy Tales Retold" by Regina Doman; they are modernized versions of The Fairy Tales of The Brothers Grimm. Sometimes, like one of the characters in these stories, I think that fairy tales are more real than real life because of the truths illustrated in simpler, clearer, more obvious ways than in real life.

Fairy tales are beautiful, simple, honest things that call people as individuals, not by the masses, to see what is normally hidden (or hidden in plain sight) and become or reveal the part of themselves that can be greater than even they themselves can imagine. Maybe that's why I like fairy tales so much: They call people as individuals to be something more than what they know. To conquer dragons and defeat spells with courage and honor. To stay true to one's heart and fight for what is good. Standing firm and true in the face of battle, in the face of the ugliest side of humanity, in the face of the storm. To live always in the truth, though the price may be our lives or tremendous suffering. To offer our lives for a greater cause.

Maybe in the face of real life, this sounds more like idealism or even insanity than something worth living for or something worth dieing for. But I must say that I prefer these midevil ideals to the modern ones of pleasure and self-importance which seem to force themselves from all angles. So I will not settle for less than what I know does not need to be impossible. I will live according to these convictions to the best of my ability.

Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's the funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies making up a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play world.
~Puddleglum to the witch, about the paleness of her underground kingdom in the face of his image of Narnia
"The Chronicles of Narnia: The Silver Chair", by C.S. Lewis

Everything inside you
knows there's more than what you've heard;
There's so much more than empty conversations
filled with empty words.
And you're on fire...
~Switchfoot, "On Fire"

Love is a decision, not a feeling or a moment.
Nothing worth being is easy.
"Speaking the truth is what makes people trust you."
~Sully, Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman

I've watched the movie Bella 3 times in the last 2 days. It's a beautiful movie dealing with many themes and realities I think tend to be shoved aside and ignored. I watched some of the special features and was struck by the passion of the people working on the film. The director said that he was talking to some friends before any thoughts about the story began to formulate in his mind, and he found himself saying that he would not want to support something he does not believe in. Later in the interview, he said "To do anything in life you need passion. Without passion you can't do anything,". That was the basic message given by all the producers and the actors.

It kind of clears things up for me. I have no idea what I want to do or study or become. I can do basically anything when I want to. My problem is my motivation. I hear people say that they want to do something because it makes money or because they admire somebody else who has done something similar. To me, I want to follow my own path because it is mine to follow. I want to find something I can give myself to entirely without holding anything back, and create something beautiful that can change hearts. I want to be myself.

This is my song for today.


c'mon c'mon
By: Switchfoot

You've been living life like it's a sequel
and you're already bored with the plot
as if the cast and the score
are more money than before
but the script and the backdrop ore stock

we've got the rest of our lives to regret
all the words that were said here tonight but I'll bet
that the morning, in the morning
we'll find us in bloom

so c'mon c'mon c'mon
let's not be our parents
oh c'mon c'mon c'mon
let's follow this through
oh c'mon c'mon c'mon
everything's waiting

we will rise with the wings of the dawn
when everyting's new

Ever size up with the summer sun?
Let these songs awaken the dawn
Let us breathe every breath
like a gift to be kept
Let us breathe it all in till it's gone

We've got the rest of our lives to live out
all these dreams we've stayed up tonight talking about
In the morning start hoping to not be too soon

So c'mon c'mon c'mon
let's abandon this darkness
oh c'mon c'mon c'mon
let's follow this through
yeah so c'mon c'mon c'mon
everything's waiting
We'll be lit up like fire and gold
when everything's new