Thursday, September 10, 2009

confuddlement. contradictory. collide.

First off, I just stumbled across a blog I've never seen before. The feeling I get from the latest blog is perfect for my mood right now, as are some of the words. link here.

And the song from the Scrubb's episode it is linked to is showing me the sense in thoughts that have been swirling around my head today. I'm playing it until I don't need a music player to hear it perfectly in my head, so I'll never forget it. Also, I love acoustic guitar by itself and I love the violin. Very pretty.

Second, defeat cannot be defeated. (Thank you to Mr. Chesterton for explaining this).

Third, a couple nights ago, I was laying in bed trying to tell my mind that if it had something to say, go away, but of course it didn't. So I couldn't sleep and so was at the mercy of my thoughts. As has often been the case, but less so recently, I was worried about my future, things that I couldn't control from the present if I wanted to. Two problems: 1) I feel the need to control my future, and 2) I have no idea what I should do in the future. And I knew there was some reason why I'm being led, or leading myself, in aimless circles, trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with my life. I knew that until I understand to see the good in my present I'll never see it in my future. I realized that this state of helplessness is where I'm supposed to be right now, so my only choice is trust. I'm always supposed to trust, but I am never really comfortable with it. I like feeling in control at least of my life, as if I could do a better job. Anyways, I realized that I'm not really in control and I can feel it so powerfully now because I need to learn to trust before I do anything else. I'll know what I need when I need it, and until then I am going to keep trying my best in everything, learning to breathe, learning to trust, learning who I am, growing.

There is a poster in a science classroom at school, of a yellow flower growing out of the ground. "Growth is the only evidence of life."

Laying in bed, feeling silence on my skin and hearing a fight in my head, I realized that I'm supposed to continue growing no matter what. I need to choose to do something that I feel comfortable enough in that I can loose myself in it, so I can learn life, so I can grow.

I've never seriously considered doing anything that is not science, but science frustrates me. If I look into my past, I have always cowered in the face of frustration. Actually, every time I've ever given up on something or myself it was out of either frustration or fear, or a combination of the two.
Recently, I read that scientists generally tend to think they know all the answers. They foster the illusion that they are in control. The part that I don't understand is why everyone else agrees. Why is it that if you see a person just like you in an ad on tv wearing a white coat and stethoscope, suddenly everything they say becomes worth allowing yourself a rare pause to hear? Their understanding cannot be any greater then their education, their teachers, their books. As a side note, the idea of not going to college just to avoid the modern school system has crossed my mind, but that's a discussion for another day.

I discovered that I am strangely very comfortable with the idea of being some sort of artist. I am not continually questioning that idea as I am the former. It's weird, completely illogical, and against my nature to even consider willfully entering a field that is so competitive and unstable, uncontrolled. But I can find peace in the idea more than in any other that has gone through my head.

My instinct leads me one way, my logic leads me another.

Confuddlement. Yet greater clarity than I've experienced on this subject ever.

Contradictory. Better.

By Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
a light shining through
you're barely waking
and I'm tangled up in you

I'm open, you're closed
where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on Your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back You fall in time
I somehow find You and I collide

Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find You and I collide

You finally find You and I collide
You finally find You and I collide

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