love letter

September 29, 2009

To everyone in my life who has ever given me a battle and stood by me as I fought it:

I want to tell you that you have hurt me, scarred me, affected my life and changed the way I see things. You have taught me things I've never wanted to know. You've all become a voice that sounds like myself to me now, but it isn't me. I can't shake it away. I will carry that with me forever. Your remarks, your complaints, your swearing, your standards. It slows me down and I would be much better off without it. You've made me doubt my own strength. You've made me weak. Because of you I've done things I haven't wanted to do. Because of you, I didn't do things I've felt I had to. I blame my shortcomings on you, not me, because I could not have brought them on myself alone.

I want to tell you I have cried myself to sleep many times because you are a part of my past. I want to tell you I've hurt other people because I'm afraid of you, because you made me afraid of myself. You hurt me and made it seem like it was my fault, that it was inevitable. I bought it. You make me afraid of myself. You've told me I'm inadequate in every way. Between yourselves, I've been told that I'm weird, lazy, mediochre, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not good enough, not perfect enough (for whom?), knowing that I would change myself so I wouldn't fit your words. I've felt controlled by you, and sometimes I still do. I don't know if I can tell whether the people around me are friends or foes. I'm afraid they're like you. I second guess them always.

Here's some cliche, but it's true: I tried to change myself for you, because I wanted you to accept me. But I couldn't accept myself like that because I felt lost inside myself. I still don't know who I am or what I want. It would have been better if you had just come right out and rejected me to my face than to barely tolerate me as you did/do. The voice I hear inside myself is mine. The words are not. You've confused me to my core. I have wished I could go back many times, so I could choose different people, or to tell you off, or myself off so I could allow myself to feel everything, or I would walk away, or I would kick and scream and cry and curse until you could hear and see the struggle you've put inside me. I want to change the choices I've made because of you. I want to tell you that your drama, tv, hair, shoes, purses, your things are not worth me, and I would be much better off if I had never known you. I want you to know that these are transparent disguises you use to hide yourself from the world. You'll deny it. I know you will. The only person you are really hiding yourself from is yourself. I can see through your glitter. You'll have to face yourself one day. I want you to know that how you grow and what you learn about yourself and other people because of your Prada things, and what you do with them is where they get their value. They don't give you value, as you seem to believe. What you do doesn't give you your worth. You give what you own and what you do value. Get over it. You've been shallow, insensitive, and selfish, and I feel sorry for you.

* * *

I've read that there are three lies everyone must overcome:

1) I am what I have.

2) I am who other people say I am.

3) I am what I do.

* * *

I want to tell you that you've hurt me, scarred me, affected my life and changed the way I see things. You have taught me things I've never wanted to know, taken me places I've never wanted to be, made me listen to things I've never wanted to hear. You've all become a voice that sounds like myself to me now, but it isn't me, my words, they're yours. And I am sick of it. Somehow, though, now that I never see you, or will not listen to you, depending on who you are, I look back and see struggles and pain and the theft of personal integrity. I'm thankful. That sounds ridiculous. Laugh if you want, see if I care. I'm thankful because when I am forced to wrestle you in my mind, I feel like I'm fighting myself. I learn who I am and become proud of it. I'm thankful to you because you have told me who I don't want to be. I'm thankful to you because you have forced me to fight the three lies you hold true. I'm thankful to you because without you I would never have heard things I've never wanted to hear, I would've never gone to places I've never wanted to be, I wouldn't have acted the way I acted, I wouldn't know the things I've never wanted to know. Thanks to you I've seen both sides, and looking back, I understand them. And I know where I stand, seemingly alone sometimes. I could not have done that myself. By hurting me, by offering me resistance, you've given me a reason to reject you and everything you stand for, a way for me to grow. Thank you for giving me these battles, because I've grown from them, and I'm not done. Thank you to everyone in my life who has given me a battle and stood near me as they watched me fight it. You've helped me become strong by showing me I'm weak.

peace to each of you.

sarah

"I couldn't love people without first being hated."

~Stephen Christian