love letter

September 29, 2009

To everyone in my life who has ever given me a battle and stood by me as I fought it:

I want to tell you that you have hurt me, scarred me, affected my life and changed the way I see things. You have taught me things I've never wanted to know. You've all become a voice that sounds like myself to me now, but it isn't me. I can't shake it away. I will carry that with me forever. Your remarks, your complaints, your swearing, your standards. It slows me down and I would be much better off without it. You've made me doubt my own strength. You've made me weak. Because of you I've done things I haven't wanted to do. Because of you, I didn't do things I've felt I had to. I blame my shortcomings on you, not me, because I could not have brought them on myself alone.

I want to tell you I have cried myself to sleep many times because you are a part of my past. I want to tell you I've hurt other people because I'm afraid of you, because you made me afraid of myself. You hurt me and made it seem like it was my fault, that it was inevitable. I bought it. You make me afraid of myself. You've told me I'm inadequate in every way. Between yourselves, I've been told that I'm weird, lazy, mediochre, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not good enough, not perfect enough (for whom?), knowing that I would change myself so I wouldn't fit your words. I've felt controlled by you, and sometimes I still do. I don't know if I can tell whether the people around me are friends or foes. I'm afraid they're like you. I second guess them always.

Here's some cliche, but it's true: I tried to change myself for you, because I wanted you to accept me. But I couldn't accept myself like that because I felt lost inside myself. I still don't know who I am or what I want. It would have been better if you had just come right out and rejected me to my face than to barely tolerate me as you did/do. The voice I hear inside myself is mine. The words are not. You've confused me to my core. I have wished I could go back many times, so I could choose different people, or to tell you off, or myself off so I could allow myself to feel everything, or I would walk away, or I would kick and scream and cry and curse until you could hear and see the struggle you've put inside me. I want to change the choices I've made because of you. I want to tell you that your drama, tv, hair, shoes, purses, your things are not worth me, and I would be much better off if I had never known you. I want you to know that these are transparent disguises you use to hide yourself from the world. You'll deny it. I know you will. The only person you are really hiding yourself from is yourself. I can see through your glitter. You'll have to face yourself one day. I want you to know that how you grow and what you learn about yourself and other people because of your Prada things, and what you do with them is where they get their value. They don't give you value, as you seem to believe. What you do doesn't give you your worth. You give what you own and what you do value. Get over it. You've been shallow, insensitive, and selfish, and I feel sorry for you.

* * *

I've read that there are three lies everyone must overcome:

1) I am what I have.

2) I am who other people say I am.

3) I am what I do.

* * *

I want to tell you that you've hurt me, scarred me, affected my life and changed the way I see things. You have taught me things I've never wanted to know, taken me places I've never wanted to be, made me listen to things I've never wanted to hear. You've all become a voice that sounds like myself to me now, but it isn't me, my words, they're yours. And I am sick of it. Somehow, though, now that I never see you, or will not listen to you, depending on who you are, I look back and see struggles and pain and the theft of personal integrity. I'm thankful. That sounds ridiculous. Laugh if you want, see if I care. I'm thankful because when I am forced to wrestle you in my mind, I feel like I'm fighting myself. I learn who I am and become proud of it. I'm thankful to you because you have told me who I don't want to be. I'm thankful to you because you have forced me to fight the three lies you hold true. I'm thankful to you because without you I would never have heard things I've never wanted to hear, I would've never gone to places I've never wanted to be, I wouldn't have acted the way I acted, I wouldn't know the things I've never wanted to know. Thanks to you I've seen both sides, and looking back, I understand them. And I know where I stand, seemingly alone sometimes. I could not have done that myself. By hurting me, by offering me resistance, you've given me a reason to reject you and everything you stand for, a way for me to grow. Thank you for giving me these battles, because I've grown from them, and I'm not done. Thank you to everyone in my life who has given me a battle and stood near me as they watched me fight it. You've helped me become strong by showing me I'm weak.

peace to each of you.

sarah

"I couldn't love people without first being hated."

~Stephen Christian

an article

a link

(your choice)

A Franciscan Benediction



May God bless you with discomfort

at easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships

so that you may live deep within your heart.



May God bless you with anger

at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people

so that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace.



May God bless you with tears

to shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger, and war

so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them

and turn their pain into joy.



And may God bless you with enough foolishness

to believe that you can make a difference in the world,

so that you can do what others claim cannot be done

to bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.



Amen.

* * *

I'm going to begin with a fact I hope you know is true and I'm going to ask you to continue reading. Please know that my intention is not to offend anyone, merely to stimulate thought, conversation, and maybe even a different pattern in action, all in an honest, truthful way. If you find a peice of information posted here to be invalid, please point it out and ask me to address it in the "comments" section. Here I go.



Abortion is legal in the United States.

Before I continue, I think abortion should be defined, just so we're on the same page.


abortion: induced termination of a pregnancy with destruction of the embryo or fetus (link to thefreedictionary.com)
pregnancy: the condition of carrying developing offspring within the body
embryo: an unborn animal or human being in the early stages of development, in humans up to approximately the end of the second month of pregnancy
- something in an early stage of development
fetus: In humans, the unborn young from the end of the eighth week after conception to the moment of birth, as distinguished from the earlier embryo

I would like to point out that the word "development" is very common in these defintions concerning human life before birth, which means that there is something or someone being developed. When, at any point before death, is any human being not developing in some way? The human body is constantly changing and renewing itself, replacing old cells with new cells, looking to improve itself. A poster of a flower in my old science classroom reads: "Growth is the only evidence of life".

Reworded, abortion can be defined as the induced termination of the development of an unborn human being. But, still, a human being.

So now it is understood that this conversation or rant (your choice) is going to be about the life and death of human beings.

I have asked myself many times how a nation, a community founded with the following beautiful and true ideas and goals in mind, could allow things such as, but not limited to, abortion to legally occur within these borders.

"We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

~The Preamble to the Constitution of the United States of America,1787

(don't know why it did that. sorry. highlight to see the entire excerpt.)



"We hold thses truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed."

~The Declaration of Independence, 1776

This last bit means to me that the majority of voting American citizens prefer that abortion is legal, or they are ignorant of it. Which astounds me.

I don't know how many people have ever read or heard the modern version of the Hippocratic Oath (the oath doctors and physicians have taken for centuries before receiving their Medical Degrees). The following is an excerpt from it which I found particularly interesting.

"I will follow the method of treatment which according to my ability and judgment, I consider for the benefit of my patient and abstain from whatever is harmful or mischievious. I will neither prescribe nor administer a lethal dose of medicine to any patient even if asked nor counsel any such thing nor perform the utmost respect for every human life from fertilization to natural death and reject abortion that delibierately takes a unique human life."

(the entire excerpt is a link to the source)

For the record, many women suffer from an emotional disorder called Post-Abortion Syndrome (link for more info) after they have an abortion. And abortion often results in sterility for a long period of time, if not life. But few people know this because few people are told this, and people working in abortion facilities would certainly never tell you this. One guess why (hint: it begins with a "$").

* * *

Where is our sense of honor? Where has the value of our word gone? How can we allow ourselves to be pacified as we sit and surf the internet, knowing that the unborn are being murdered (by various methods, all of which cruel) everyday, unprotected and unwanted? How can the majority of Americans, whom I want to believe are basically good, allow these monstrosities to progress into such dark territory - sacrificing the innocent and defenseless to evil? What kind of animal would do this to the young of their own species, besides humanity?

To be clear, I realize that America is far from the only nation in the world to allow abortion. Some countries even insist on abortions to be performed (God help us if and when that darkest of days is ever reached here). I have been repeating that I cannot believe Americans would consent to abortion because Americans are the ones who take freedom of speech for granted, who express their thoughts and feelings how and when they want to. And for the most part, I'm hearing silence on this subject and seeing a general darkening of human action here as people dodge arguments instead of entering a civil, productive conversation. It is painful, especially in the moments when one feels like a lone Crusader, fighting for what you believe is right though you may be the last fighter for the truth in the face of the world with all its deceptions. Which is when I need to remember my family and friends and that I'm not alone, I'm part of a community. That is more than the aborted can say.

* * *

PLEASE NOTE: I have included the following links because I believe that they contain valuable information, necessary for exposing the truth. However, they might contain graphic information and/or visuals, as abortions are not merely another medical procedure.

This sentence is a link to a neutral website describing different methods of abortion.

This sentence is a link to the Planned Parenthood page offering information on abortion.

(Planned Parenthood is the largest abortion provider in America)

This sentence is a link to a pro-life website providing information on abortion.

This sentence is a link to a medical website (reccommended as an informational resource in the embryology unit of a Human Anatomy and Physiology, Continued course last school year), outlining human development after conception and before birth.

* * *

Above, I have not looked at the issue of abortion as a religious issue, because I think people tend to forget that it's a human issue, not one exclusively for religious activists. It is for everyone. There is a question here of morality. This is a human issue. That means it affects all people, personally or indirectly. I have examined abortion above through a scientific lense, because scientific study is a pursuit of truth. Since I believe my religion contains the fullness of the truth, science cannot stand without it.

The religion I believe in tells me human life begins at the moment of conception and that all human life has diginity because God created it and willed it to live and gave it life, and even died for it. Because He loves it. People are not supposed to kill people. They are supposed to love people, if for no other reason than God loves other people. I've heard the argument that God gave us free will, so why shouldn't we use it? God gave us free will because He wants us to love Him. If we did not have free will, we could not love; love is a choice, freely given and freely received. We, humanity, are asked to choose life.

"But Jesus turning to them said, "Daughters of Jerusalem, stop weeping for Me, but weep for yourselves and for your children. For behold, the days are coming when they will say, 'Blessed are the barren, and the wombs that never bore, and the breasts that never nursed.' For if they do these things when the tree is green, what will happen when it is dry?" (Luke 23: 28, 29, & 31)

I believe that the scientific evidence supports the religious truth that human life begins at the moment of conception. (If I haven't mentioned this yet, there are 46 chromosomes in every human cell (somatic cells), except the reproductive cells (gametes, ie sperm/egg cells) where there are 23. When the sperm cell penetrates the egg cell at the moment of conception, the two cells literally become one cell with 46 chromosomes. This cell is called a zygote. The zygote divides many times to become the many cells found in the human body.) And I also believe the human conscience naturally rightly judges that homicide is morally wrong.

* * *

If you have read all the way down to here, congratulations are in order.

Thank you.

As I said before, comments, questions, and arguments are welcome.

peace to you

sarah

* * *

do you remember when

we were way back then

you held the world

inside your hands

when you told me

love was the strongest stuff,

your strength

was innocence

~Innocence Again, by Switchfoot

another random quote

"The men of the East may spell the stars,
and times and triumphs mark,
but the men signed of the Cross of Christ
Go gaily in the dark."
~ G.K. Chesterton, "The Ballad of the White Horse"

one random quote

"Be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers...live the questions."
~Rilke

confuddlement. contradictory. collide.

First off, I just stumbled across a blog I've never seen before. The feeling I get from the latest blog is perfect for my mood right now, as are some of the words. link here.

And the song from the Scrubb's episode it is linked to is showing me the sense in thoughts that have been swirling around my head today. I'm playing it until I don't need a music player to hear it perfectly in my head, so I'll never forget it. Also, I love acoustic guitar by itself and I love the violin. Very pretty.

Second, defeat cannot be defeated. (Thank you to Mr. Chesterton for explaining this).

Third, a couple nights ago, I was laying in bed trying to tell my mind that if it had something to say, go away, but of course it didn't. So I couldn't sleep and so was at the mercy of my thoughts. As has often been the case, but less so recently, I was worried about my future, things that I couldn't control from the present if I wanted to. Two problems: 1) I feel the need to control my future, and 2) I have no idea what I should do in the future. And I knew there was some reason why I'm being led, or leading myself, in aimless circles, trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with my life. I knew that until I understand to see the good in my present I'll never see it in my future. I realized that this state of helplessness is where I'm supposed to be right now, so my only choice is trust. I'm always supposed to trust, but I am never really comfortable with it. I like feeling in control at least of my life, as if I could do a better job. Anyways, I realized that I'm not really in control and I can feel it so powerfully now because I need to learn to trust before I do anything else. I'll know what I need when I need it, and until then I am going to keep trying my best in everything, learning to breathe, learning to trust, learning who I am, growing.

There is a poster in a science classroom at school, of a yellow flower growing out of the ground. "Growth is the only evidence of life."

Laying in bed, feeling silence on my skin and hearing a fight in my head, I realized that I'm supposed to continue growing no matter what. I need to choose to do something that I feel comfortable enough in that I can loose myself in it, so I can learn life, so I can grow.

I've never seriously considered doing anything that is not science, but science frustrates me. If I look into my past, I have always cowered in the face of frustration. Actually, every time I've ever given up on something or myself it was out of either frustration or fear, or a combination of the two.
Recently, I read that scientists generally tend to think they know all the answers. They foster the illusion that they are in control. The part that I don't understand is why everyone else agrees. Why is it that if you see a person just like you in an ad on tv wearing a white coat and stethoscope, suddenly everything they say becomes worth allowing yourself a rare pause to hear? Their understanding cannot be any greater then their education, their teachers, their books. As a side note, the idea of not going to college just to avoid the modern school system has crossed my mind, but that's a discussion for another day.

I discovered that I am strangely very comfortable with the idea of being some sort of artist. I am not continually questioning that idea as I am the former. It's weird, completely illogical, and against my nature to even consider willfully entering a field that is so competitive and unstable, uncontrolled. But I can find peace in the idea more than in any other that has gone through my head.

My instinct leads me one way, my logic leads me another.

Confuddlement. Yet greater clarity than I've experienced on this subject ever.

Contradictory. Better.


Collide
By Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
a light shining through
you're barely waking
and I'm tangled up in you

I'm open, you're closed
where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on Your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back You fall in time
I somehow find You and I collide

Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find You and I collide

You finally find You and I collide
You finally find You and I collide

a thought

If I could be a part of changing a single thing in the world, I would end offenses against unborn humanity, including but not limited to abortion, contraception, and embryonic stem cell research.
I choose this war because it is a silent war against the innocent and defenseless in my own homeland.
I choose this war because it can only be won by changing minds rather than legislations, by converting hearts.
I choose this war because it is by far the bloodiest in American history.
I choose this genocide because while I have felt the muted cries of the unborn I've seen apathy toward their cause, and I feel the echo of the blow against them.
I choose this war because I know the truth and I've heard the lies, and I believe it's time for the lies to die.

In understanding and valuing every human being, from the moment of conception, a culture would be transformed. The dignity of the individual would be realized. The general view toward women would change from "sex objects" because the "consequence" would be a child. In turn the general view of manhood would change to guardian of the family. The fiber of society would be repaired because the basic foundation of the family unit would be restored. Science would stop clinging to false hopes and politics can return to national defense and economics. The view of personhood would change entirely.

Maybe it's unrealistic or even insane to believe all this can happen. But I have to hope and rest assured that at the core of the human spirit, beneath the materials and the emptiness and the suffering there is something beautiful, a force of good called faith. This faith means a potential for love. And I know of no greater power than active love.


"I will neither prescribe nor administer a lethal dose of medicine to any patient even if asked nor counsel any such thing nor perform the utmost respect for every human life from fertilization to natural death and reject abortion that deliberately takes a unique human life."
~From the Modern version of the Hippocratic Oath