4 random thoughts tonight

For anyone who does not know me at all, my favorite band is Switchfoot. A line from a song of theirs is referenced in my mind at least once a day. Every so often, I will think it important enough to write about. Tonight, I am referencing their song "The Beautiful Letdown".


The Beautiful Letdown
Switchfoot


it was a beautiful letdown
when they crashed and burned
when I found myself
alone, unknown, unheard


it was a beautiful letdown
the day I knew
that all the riches this world had to offer me
would never do


in a world full of bitter pain
and bitter doubts
I was trying so hard to fit in
until I found out
that I don't belong here


no, I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song
where i don't belong
I don't belong

it was a beautiful letdown
when you found me here
yeah, for once in a rare blue moon
I see everything clear

I'll be a beautiful letdown
that's what I'll forever be
and though it may cost my soul,
I'll sing for free


we're still chasing our tails
and the rising sun
and our dark water planet's still spinning in the race
where no one wins and no one's won

see, I don't belong here
no, I don't belong here
I don't belong
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
I don't belong
I don't belong here
no, I don't belong here
I don't belong

I'm gonna set sight
and set sail
for the kingdom come
kingdom come
your kingdom come
won't you let me down?
let my foolish pride forever let me down


easy living, you're not much like the name
easy dying
hey, you look just about the same
would you please take me off your list?
easy living, please, come on and let me down

we are a beautiful letdown,
painfully uncool
the church of
the dropouts,
the loosers,
the sinners,
the failures,
and the fools
what a beautiful letdown.
are we salt in the wound?
hey, let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here
no, I don't belong here
I don't belong here
feels like I don't belong here
I don't belong here
goes like I don't belong here
no, I don't belong

would you let me down?
come on, let me down
you always let me down
I'm so glad that I'm let down
yeah, come on and let me down
cause I don't belong here
please, won't you let me down?



Now for why I was thinking about this song.
Well, honestly, I was just having a bunch of random thoughts that somehow fit together even though they are about very different things. The lyrics fit the state of mind.

One thought was about earlier this week, it was probably around 8 pm, i was laying on the floor, I had eaten practically nothing all day and really didn't want to eat even though I was very hungry. Normally I love eating, especially chocolate and sugarry things. I have never really understood how someone can simultaneously be hungry and not want to eat at the same time. It's kind of a weird thing to experience, but it doesn't really feel like it at the time. Anyways, I was telling myself that if I do not eat, I am participating in a form of self-destruction, which is bad, in case that wasn't obvious. And then I had the same argument I've had with myself a few times. I ask myself if I am really worth the food I eat, and whether my life is worth living, whether I am worthy of being alive. First I look at the question through my eyes, as if God is a non-existant fairy tale and all that is is what I know or can know. The answer to my question is no, my life is not worth what it requires to continue, much less thrive. I am so dependent on other people and many resources that my output is a fraction of my input. The quantitative value of my life is low. This state of mind lasts just long enough for me to understand it before it switches into gnostic mode. Then I try to look at the question through God's eyes. He created me, willed me and the rest of this world into life, gave me His body, blood, soul, divinity, spirit, and truth. He wants me to live life and enjoy it. He is all-powerful and He loves me. So the question of whether or not I think my life is worth it is irrelevant to the question of whether I should put forth the effort to sustain it. These are the moments I think I see things clearest: when I know I am not worthy of living, my only justification for existance is found in God's love, in what I can't comprehend. No quantitative values here. Infinity and beyond is beyond measurement. So I got up and ate something.

A second random thought was about fighting evils, specifically abortion, but all evils that have a way of disguising and twisting themselves. They take root in people's minds once accepted, and from there invade and destroy hearts and may possess souls. "...the great battle/mission that is not that of brother against brother, but that of each and all against evil, of disregard for the value of all life..."(from an email) In the case of abortion, the war is made of many innumerable and sometimes hidden battles over individual lives. The battles take place when a pregnant woman considers abortion and is encouraged or discouraged, when a person talks another into or out of abortion, when a position on the issue is likely to change. There is no single way to end all abortion forever. Abortions have been occurring since the times of the Athenians and Spartans, perhaps earlier. Illegal abortions were performed in America off the record before 1973, granted, I'm sure in much smaller numbers than the 4,000/day since 1973. A legislation will not end it. A rule will not end abortion, even if the rule is government-enforced. The most I dare to hope for from a law is discouragement in individual cases. (At this point, some "women's rights" activists will explode if the govenment would turn back on Roe vs. Wade now, something I don't think I will need to worry about happening any time soon. It would only create more enmity and division, tear apart those who appear to be united and strong, force us to see ourselves for who we really are. Not that I'm against an argument for what is right, but it is good to have the opportunity to place everything in the open. By the way, I consider myself a feminist. I believe that although men and women are different, we are equals, fellow humans. We deserve the same rights and equal wages for equal work. We deserve the same opportunities and the independence to make our own decisions. I do not, however, believe one of the decisions any human, male or female, should make is whether an unborn human or partially born human is given the opportunity to live and experience natural death. Sometimes, that is called murder. Who is anyone who has been born to decide that? The unborn is not another piece of the mother's body tissue. Physiologically, it is a separate individual. Women's rights are not threatened by having children. Actually, having children is one of the perks and privileges of being female.) Anyways, the dignity of the (innocent and defenseless) unborn can be realized only by the conversion of hearts. So we have our work cut out for us, because it is so easy to believe a convenient lie, no matter how obvious.

A third random thought that I was thinking was about how I was stressing over completing my colleges apps for the last four months. Now that they are basically done, they seem like busy work. They are so easy, really. The essays are the worst part, and they are short, 500 words or less. They are ridiculously easy. Like, it's scary. How could something that important be so thoughtlessly completed? Strange. And the everyday schoolwork that I will never remember doing, the assignments that don't seem to matter are so difficult. Seems kinda backwards to me, but I'm still trying to figure out the logic and strength behind the modern school system. The entire thing seems twisted to me, but then again, I am still trapped in it, so I am biased.

The fourth random thought is so random, I don't know where it came from. I was thinking about after death, when everyone is judged individually, when we are sent to Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory. (oh, maybe this is where it came from) I was thinking about the quote from Corinthians earlier, the one that says "Love never fails", and how one of my teachers once said, "Life is full of tests", reffering to real life where books are not as important as what actually happens in 3-dimensional life, in relationships and such. I was thinking that Love never fails the many tests life brings. "You know well enought that our Lord does not look so much at the greatness of our actions, nor even at their difficulty, but at the love with which we do them." (St. Therese of Liseux) I understand that this sounds unbelievably idealistic and naiive to actually hold as a truth, maybe even crazy, but it depends on what is considered "failing the tests of life". Again, perspective plays a huge role in understanding. "Luke, you'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view." (Obi Wan, SW V) While the truth is not relative, it can't really be fully understood if you are trying to see only the part that is easily understood from where you stand, because the truth is huge. It can never be fully understood by our impure, fallen intellects or our selfish, small hearts. But we can try. We do try. Guess what science is? Guess what art is? Guess what life is? We try without realizing it. Ranting again. About Love as this amazing thing that never fails life's tests and is all God looks for when examining our actions. The love I am thinking of is pure, selfless, active, loyal, and eternal. The love I am thinking of is the goal and reason for creation. The love I am thinking of is the manifestation of the Truth. Explain to me how something so simple, so huge, so humble, so powerful, so untouchable can be defeated, and Chesterton among many other logical philosophers will be referenced, yet they can be confusing in their complexity. Back to the main thought. After death, The Test. "Love never fails", right? So for the longest time (I am 17, so for a large fraction of my life), I thought The Test would be something like the question "Have you loved Me?". Then one day, I was introduced to the idea that it could be "What have you done to further My glory on earth?". Do we have enough courage and humility to reply with "nothing", that we are not the source of any of the good that comes from anything we have done, that it was God all along, working through us, His instruments, His servants? Do we have what it takes to admit that we are nothing and God is everything? Can we claim none of our sufferings as ours, and unite all of the blood, sweat, and tears of our struggles to the Cross of Christ? Do we have the guts to let go of everything we know and understand to place our eternities in the hands of this mysterious, omnipotent being? Do we have a choice?



So somewhere between the beauties and the letdowns of this life, between the suicidal naiivity and the fatal despair, there is reality. Somewhere there is a healthy perspective, somewhere there is truth, somewhere there is life, and that in abundance. Somewhere, maybe in letting go of it all. Maybe in realizing the beauty is in the letdown.


Try finding the answer in a textbook, in a class. Try a coffee shop, a gym, a hospital, a soup kitchen, a family with a new member fresh from the hands of God.



"What do they teach in schools these days?"
~ Professor Kirke, Narnia

pains...are more precious

As the Ruin Falls
by C.S. Lewis

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love -- a scholar's parrot may talk Greek --
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge my which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

strategy

This was sent to me by a friend when she saw that I started a pro-life group on facebook. As of right now, I am stripped of my facebook priveleges, and since this info is meant to be shared, I'm giving it to you until I can share it with those on facebook. I like the strategy of argument presented here. I think it is the most effective way to persuade and respect. Hope it's helpful.

Suppose that you have just five minutes to graciously defend your pro-life beliefs with friends or classmates. Can you do it with rational arguments? What should you say? And how can you simplify the abortion issue for those who think it’s hopelessly complex?

Here’s how to succeed in three easy steps:

1) Clarify the issue. Pro-life advocates contend that elective abortion unjustly takes the life of a defenseless human being. This simplifies the abortion controversy by focusing public attention on just one question: Is the unborn a member of the human family? If so, killing him or her to benefit others is a serious moral wrong. It treats the distinct human being, with his or her own inherent moral worth, as nothing more than a disposable instrument. Conversely, if the unborn are not human, killing them for any reason requires no more justification than having a tooth pulled.

In other words, arguments based on “choice” or “privacy” miss the point entirely. Would anyone that you know support a mother killing her toddler in the name of “choice and who decides?” Clearly, if the unborn are human, like toddlers, we shouldn’t kill them in the name of choice anymore than we would a toddler. Again, this debate is about just one question: What is the unborn?

At this point, some may object that your comparisons are not fair—that killing a fetus is morally different than killing a toddler. Ah, but that’s the issue, isn’t it? Are the unborn, like toddlers, members of the human family? That is the one issue that matters.

Remind your critics that you are vigorously “pro-choice” when it comes to women choosing a number of moral goods. You support a woman’s right to choose her own doctor, to choose her own husband, to choose her own job, and to choose her own religion, to name a few. These are among the many choices that you fully support for women. But some choices are wrong, like killing innocent human beings simply because they are in the way and cannot defend themselves. No, we shouldn’t be allowed to choose that.


2) Defend your pro-life position with science and philosophy. Scientifically, we know that from the earliest stages of development, the unborn are distinct, living, and whole human beings. Leading embryology books confirm this. Prior to his abortion advocacy, former Planned Parenthood President Dr. Alan Guttmacher was perplexed that anyone, much less a medical doctor, would question this. "This all seems so simple and evident that it is difficult to picture a time when it wasn't part of the common knowledge," he wrote in his book Life in the Making.

Philosophically, we can say that embryos are less developed than newborns (or, for that matter, toddlers) but this difference is not morally significant in the way abortion advocates need it to be.

Consider the claim that the immediate capacity for self-awareness bestows value on human beings. Notice that this is not an argument, but an arbitrary assertion. Why is some development needed? And why is this particular degree of development (i.e., higher brain function) decisive rather than another? These are questions that abortion advocates do not adequately address.

Put simply, there is no morally significant difference between the embryo you once were and the adult you are today. Differences of size, level of development, environment, and degree of dependency are not relevant such that we can say that you had no rights as an embryo but you do have rights today. Think of the acronym SLED as a helpful reminder of these non-essential differences:

• Size: True, embryos are smaller than newborns and adults, but why is that relevant? Do we really want to say that large people are more human than small ones? Men are generally larger than women, but that doesn’t mean that they deserve more rights. Size doesn’t equal value.
• Level of development: True, embryos and fetuses are less developed than you and I. But again, why is this relevant? Four year-old girls are less developed than 14 year-old ones. Should older children have more rights than their younger siblings? Some people say that self-awareness makes one human. But if that is true, newborns do not qualify as valuable human beings. Six-week old infants lack the immediate capacity for performing human mental functions, as do the reversibly comatose, the sleeping, and those with Alzheimer’s Disease.
• Environment: Where you are has no bearing on who you are. Does your value change when you cross the street or roll over in bed? If not, how can a journey of eight inches down the birth-canal suddenly change the essential nature of the unborn from non-human to human? If the unborn are not already human, merely changing their location can’t make them valuable.
• Degree of Dependency: If viability makes us human, then all those who depend on insulin or kidney medication are not valuable and we may kill them. Conjoined twins who share blood type and bodily systems also have no right to life.
  

In short, it’s far more reasonable to argue that although humans differ immensely with respect to talents, accomplishments, and degrees of development, they are nonetheless equal because they share a common human nature.

perception.

I have not really been wanting to eat these last couple days. I have been eating because I know I need to. I have had a very difficult time focusing. I can't concentrate on anything for any profitable length of time. I have been having very huge emotional swings. I am very happy, then something will happen or someone will do something and I will become enraged. Then I need to fight myself to stay calm and not verbally attack people. I want to be left alone, I've been distancing myself from the people around me. And I have been too apathetic towards my schoolwork. Honestly, few people if anyone sincerely cares about their schoolwork at my age. I want to do my best, but when I sit down to do something I can't concentrate and I find myself convincing myself that my effort is worthless, pointless, a waste of my life, no one really cares, it doesn't matter, so many excuses and lies that I begin to believe and even act on. I want my teachers to yell at me. They trust me too much. They are allowing me to just kinda float along, passing, but not the way I could be or should be. I want them to scare me into working. That's the easiest way out: being scared into action. I think it would require something more to do something out of devotion or discipline instead of fear. It is more difficult to live with myself and my choices. I can ignore other people and what they have to say. I can't shut myself out. It is more difficult to push myself into action because that would mean that I actually care about what happens to myself in the long run. I don't know if I actually do, but I should if for no other reason than the people who love me want to see me happy and reaching my potential. If I can't motivate myself for them, I am being selfish. It's that simple. Yet there is so much more to it.

I am surrounded by people who believe in a part of me that I cannot see. They believe in my abilities or a part of my personality or character. It is so scary. Again, it would be so much easier to just be totally apathetic. To care is to feel and experience. To care is to be alive. Pain is inseparable from life. Work is inseparable from truly abundant life, what life is supposed to be. Humility is inseparable from love in its truest sense.

I wanna wake up kicking and screaming
I wanna wake up kicking and screaming
I wanna live like I know what I'm leaving
I wanna know that my heart's still beating,
it's beating, it's beating, it's beating,
I'm bleeding.
~ Awakening, Switchfoot

Life is fraughtless when you're thoughtless
Those who don't try never look foolish
Dancing through life, mindless and careless
Make sure your where less trouble is rife
Woes are fleeting, blows are glancing
When you're dancing throug life.
~ Dancing Through Life, Wicked


This sort of thing has happened to me before. I would say that it has something to do with the weather, but it is very early in the season. The sun has not been too scarce. I should have enough Vitamin D in my body to last me at least into December.


I have a tendancy to pick up on people's flaws sometimes, like they become very noticeable to me. Sometimes the flaws make me angry, but there is nothing I can do. I wonder how there can still be good in people. At these times I need to remind myslef that they have value simply because they are human. Just because I, for the moment, can see no value in a person does not mean that they have none. They are still loved, and more than they or I can ever know, even if they are the worst kind of person imaginable. Maybe I need to change my perception. Maybe I need to learn to see the good in people better. I cannot altogether forget the flaws - that would be completely naiive and even suicidal. But maybe I need to see the person hiding behind the flaws.

I love being surprised by people when the last person I would expect to say something encouraging or truthful comes out with a profundity or expresses appreciation for something I may not have even noticed. To me, it is nothing short of a miracle that anyone, including myself, possess any capacity to experience, identify, or understand any part of the truth. Everyone has flaws and weaknesses and problems. Maybe these burdens somehow make us strong. Maybe we can best experience beauty in suffering, in honesty despite pain. Maybe beauty and suffering are inseparable. Maybe our burdens can somehow become our strengths. Maybe our crucifixions somehow lead to life of a more abundant kind. Maybe what we cannot see is the most real.

The most evil thing and the most beautiful thing that has ever transpired in human history are the same event.


"Just as drowning cannot be equated with swimming, neither is mere existance the same as abundant life."
~ Jon Foreman


More Than It Seems
by Kutless

Is my imagination running away,
or is all this really happening to me?
Am I a prince in a faraway land filled with fantasy?

Where is reality and
what are the actions that will define who I am?
I am holding onto the visions I've seen of what I could be.
It's what I should be.

More than it seems, these dreams inside
blur reality's line.
If I could believe the dreams aside
I am capable more than it seems.

Passing through darkness into my own world
Will I be more than when I left?
Never letting go of the lessons I learned,
this will make a change,
a change within me.

More than it seems, these dreams inside
blur reality's line.
If I could believe the dreams aside
I am capable more than it seems.

This time I won't run away.
I found the strength to face life's long days.
This time I won't run away.

More than it seems, these dreams inside (show me the way to these dreams)
blur reality's line. (till there's nothing left of me)
If I could believe the dreams aside (show me the way to these dreams)
I am capable more than it seems.

Till there's nothing left of me,
show me the way to these dreams.

----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----

Daisy
by Switchfoot

Daisy, give yourself away
look up at the rain,
a beautiful display
of power and surrender
giving us today
when she gives herself away

Rain, another rainy day
comes up from the ocean
to give herself away
she comes down easy
on rich and debt the same
when she gives herself away

let it go
Daisy, let it go
open up your fists
this fallen world
doesn't hold your interest,
it doesn't hold your soul
Daisy, let it go

Pain, give yourself a name
call yourself contrition,
avarice of blame
giving isn't easy
neither is the rain
when she gives herself away

Daisy, why another day?
why another sunrise?
who will take the blame
for all redemptive motion
and every rainy day
when He gives Himself away?

let it go
Daisy, let it go
open up your fists
this fallen world
it doesn't hold your interest
it doesn't hold your soul
Daisy, let it go

let it go
and you let it go
let it go
let it go, go
let it go

form of cowardice

I have felt like a jerk all week. I am not sure why. It is not a pleasant feeling. Maybe it's because it is so easy for me to lie to myself, which makes it much easier for me to lie to other people. I hate deception. I have never thought lying to oneself was a huge offense, but maybe it is just because it means the truth is not given due reverence. And it is telling yourself that you can't handle the truth so you don't feel like you are, it is a form of cowardice. Maybe that's why I feel like a jerk. Not to mention the fact that I don't feel like I've tried my hardest in everything. I don't think I could have done more or better, I have tried my hardest, but something inside is turning on me in anger. I don't know what I did, or didn't do, or what triggered this. I have been very stressed all week, too. There has been a lot on my mind, it feels like everything is happening at once. I try to take it as it comes and not worry about what is not mine to handle yet. I've been frieking out easily as a result. The week has taken its toll. And it has left me feeling like a jerk.
Here I sit typing this out, as if anyone cares. If I didn't need to deal with it, I wouldn't care. Great. I should go. I feel like there is so much more to say. Oh well. Good night.
peace
sarah

"Wisdom and goodness to the vile seem vile.
Filths savor but themselves. What have you done?
If that the heavens do not their visible spirits
send quickly down to tame [these] vile offenses,
it will come:
Humanity must perforce prey on itself,
like monsters of the deep."
~ W. Shakespeare, King Lear, Act 4 Scene 2