Friday, November 13, 2009

form of cowardice

I have felt like a jerk all week. I am not sure why. It is not a pleasant feeling. Maybe it's because it is so easy for me to lie to myself, which makes it much easier for me to lie to other people. I hate deception. I have never thought lying to oneself was a huge offense, but maybe it is just because it means the truth is not given due reverence. And it is telling yourself that you can't handle the truth so you don't feel like you are, it is a form of cowardice. Maybe that's why I feel like a jerk. Not to mention the fact that I don't feel like I've tried my hardest in everything. I don't think I could have done more or better, I have tried my hardest, but something inside is turning on me in anger. I don't know what I did, or didn't do, or what triggered this. I have been very stressed all week, too. There has been a lot on my mind, it feels like everything is happening at once. I try to take it as it comes and not worry about what is not mine to handle yet. I've been frieking out easily as a result. The week has taken its toll. And it has left me feeling like a jerk.
Here I sit typing this out, as if anyone cares. If I didn't need to deal with it, I wouldn't care. Great. I should go. I feel like there is so much more to say. Oh well. Good night.

"Wisdom and goodness to the vile seem vile.
Filths savor but themselves. What have you done?
If that the heavens do not their visible spirits
send quickly down to tame [these] vile offenses,
it will come:
Humanity must perforce prey on itself,
like monsters of the deep."
~ W. Shakespeare, King Lear, Act 4 Scene 2

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