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Last night two very different people I know told me things about their past experiences that they are not proud of but have changed them. I never would have guessed either. They are amazing people. Sometimes it seems like I have a sign on my forehead that reads something like: "If you have something deep and dark to share, tell me!". Don't misunderstand me: I'm honored when people reveal to me a bit of their soul. I know it takes courage. I'm happy to listen and do what I can for them. But sometimes it feels too heavy. Today I've been having a difficult time handling it.
I woke up, only because I had to. I made myself scrambled eggs and toast, my favorite breakfast, because I was hungry. I ate the slice of toast and a small bite of scrambled eggs. I lost my appetite completely and threw the rest out. I sank to the foot of the stairs and said a prayer. I tried to sedate my emotions and I tried to cry. I finally did cry, but not enough.
All the while the script's line "when your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be" chanting faintly through my head. Random line, right? So I thought, which is why it struck me as strange that the line was so persistant.
"when your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be"
Then a random neuron met another. What if the heart mentioned in the line is that of the Church Militant, and the singer is Christ? As if He's waiting for me to find Him, perhaps on a street corner as in the song, perhaps at the 90 degree angle where the upstairs steps meet the foyer floor in a place similar to where I was in the fetal position at the time. It fit too well. And I was finally calm.
I'm still upset even now. The truth is I probably always will be. No one wants to accept the darker side of life, we all fight it in our own way. I think what defines us is the way we fight it.
Miss Dickinson wrote: If I can stop one heart from breaking / I shall not live in vain. / If I could ease one life the aching, / or cool one pain, / I shall not live in vain. I believe these verses, they are lines I try to live by. I want to help the people I know carry their burdens, even if it's simply encouraging them or helping them remember what it means to be joyful when they forget that they were made to love and be loved. We were not made to be alone.
Perhaps that is why there are so many corners in this world.