another random quote

"The men of the East may spell the stars,
and times and triumphs mark,
but the men signed of the Cross of Christ
Go gaily in the dark."
~ G.K. Chesterton, "The Ballad of the White Horse"

one random quote

"Be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers...live the questions."
~Rilke

confuddlement. contradictory. collide.

First off, I just stumbled across a blog I've never seen before. The feeling I get from the latest blog is perfect for my mood right now, as are some of the words. link here.

And the song from the Scrubb's episode it is linked to is showing me the sense in thoughts that have been swirling around my head today. I'm playing it until I don't need a music player to hear it perfectly in my head, so I'll never forget it. Also, I love acoustic guitar by itself and I love the violin. Very pretty.

Second, defeat cannot be defeated. (Thank you to Mr. Chesterton for explaining this).

Third, a couple nights ago, I was laying in bed trying to tell my mind that if it had something to say, go away, but of course it didn't. So I couldn't sleep and so was at the mercy of my thoughts. As has often been the case, but less so recently, I was worried about my future, things that I couldn't control from the present if I wanted to. Two problems: 1) I feel the need to control my future, and 2) I have no idea what I should do in the future. And I knew there was some reason why I'm being led, or leading myself, in aimless circles, trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with my life. I knew that until I understand to see the good in my present I'll never see it in my future. I realized that this state of helplessness is where I'm supposed to be right now, so my only choice is trust. I'm always supposed to trust, but I am never really comfortable with it. I like feeling in control at least of my life, as if I could do a better job. Anyways, I realized that I'm not really in control and I can feel it so powerfully now because I need to learn to trust before I do anything else. I'll know what I need when I need it, and until then I am going to keep trying my best in everything, learning to breathe, learning to trust, learning who I am, growing.

There is a poster in a science classroom at school, of a yellow flower growing out of the ground. "Growth is the only evidence of life."

Laying in bed, feeling silence on my skin and hearing a fight in my head, I realized that I'm supposed to continue growing no matter what. I need to choose to do something that I feel comfortable enough in that I can loose myself in it, so I can learn life, so I can grow.

I've never seriously considered doing anything that is not science, but science frustrates me. If I look into my past, I have always cowered in the face of frustration. Actually, every time I've ever given up on something or myself it was out of either frustration or fear, or a combination of the two.
Recently, I read that scientists generally tend to think they know all the answers. They foster the illusion that they are in control. The part that I don't understand is why everyone else agrees. Why is it that if you see a person just like you in an ad on tv wearing a white coat and stethoscope, suddenly everything they say becomes worth allowing yourself a rare pause to hear? Their understanding cannot be any greater then their education, their teachers, their books. As a side note, the idea of not going to college just to avoid the modern school system has crossed my mind, but that's a discussion for another day.

I discovered that I am strangely very comfortable with the idea of being some sort of artist. I am not continually questioning that idea as I am the former. It's weird, completely illogical, and against my nature to even consider willfully entering a field that is so competitive and unstable, uncontrolled. But I can find peace in the idea more than in any other that has gone through my head.

My instinct leads me one way, my logic leads me another.

Confuddlement. Yet greater clarity than I've experienced on this subject ever.

Contradictory. Better.


Collide
By Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
a light shining through
you're barely waking
and I'm tangled up in you

I'm open, you're closed
where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on Your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back You fall in time
I somehow find You and I collide

Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find You and I collide

You finally find You and I collide
You finally find You and I collide

a thought

If I could be a part of changing a single thing in the world, I would end offenses against unborn humanity, including but not limited to abortion, contraception, and embryonic stem cell research.
I choose this war because it is a silent war against the innocent and defenseless in my own homeland.
I choose this war because it can only be won by changing minds rather than legislations, by converting hearts.
I choose this war because it is by far the bloodiest in American history.
I choose this genocide because while I have felt the muted cries of the unborn I've seen apathy toward their cause, and I feel the echo of the blow against them.
I choose this war because I know the truth and I've heard the lies, and I believe it's time for the lies to die.

In understanding and valuing every human being, from the moment of conception, a culture would be transformed. The dignity of the individual would be realized. The general view toward women would change from "sex objects" because the "consequence" would be a child. In turn the general view of manhood would change to guardian of the family. The fiber of society would be repaired because the basic foundation of the family unit would be restored. Science would stop clinging to false hopes and politics can return to national defense and economics. The view of personhood would change entirely.

Maybe it's unrealistic or even insane to believe all this can happen. But I have to hope and rest assured that at the core of the human spirit, beneath the materials and the emptiness and the suffering there is something beautiful, a force of good called faith. This faith means a potential for love. And I know of no greater power than active love.


"I will neither prescribe nor administer a lethal dose of medicine to any patient even if asked nor counsel any such thing nor perform the utmost respect for every human life from fertilization to natural death and reject abortion that deliberately takes a unique human life."
~From the Modern version of the Hippocratic Oath

On Fire.

These are some of my all-time favorite lyrics.
About a year and a half ago, I came home from school and felt like my entire nervous system would crash at any given moment. Which doesn't make any sense because nothing too special happened that day. But I found myself yelling at everyone, so I retreated to my room, closed the door, and went on YouTube. (Music has always had a therapeutic affect on me.) I heard this song for the first time (acoustic version) and broke down crying. It was the beginning of a healing process for me, one that will probably never end, but so be it. I still think this song is very powerful.
Enjoy.

On Fire
Switchfoot

They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you
knows there's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire when He speaks
You're on fire burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
give me one more chance to see
give me everything You are
give me one more chance to be near You

When everything inside me
looks like everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

and I'm on fire
when You're near me
I'm on fire when You speak
I'm on fire burning at these mysteries

I'm standing on the edge of me (multiple x)
I'm standing on the edge of me again
I'm standing on the edge of me
I'm standing on the edge

I'm on fire
When I'm near You
I'm on fire when You speak
I'm on fire burning at these mysteries

Your mysteries

i dunno

When I look at something, I have a tendancy to critique it before I praise it. So today when I looked out the car window and saw houses and trees and cars, and perceived it all as beautiful, and the flaws did not diminish the beauty at all, it was a brief striking moment. I quickly pondered if that is the way God sees the world. Then it was over.
When I meet a person, I try to understand who they are by understanding what they've been through in the past and where they are today, without judging them. Just to understand the individual. I guess I don't like to judge people because, although I may not agree with the way they've responded to their past circumstances, I will never know if I would have made the same choice. If you let them, most people will give you a reason that made sense to them at the time their decision was made. You can see how they believed they were doing what they believed best in their eyes and hear it in their voice. I have to believe that a higher purpose was at play whether it seems logical or not to me, or to the person whose decisions are in discussion.
When I look at a culture, I look at the "lowercase people", the people who are the most looked down on by their culture. The way they are treated tells me how strong the culture is.
A law of physics: "An object is only as strong as its weakest point".
To me, this means that it's easy to flatter the strong people, more daring to praise the poor.

I was talking to my mom in the car once about buildings and how the centuries-old stone buildings in Europe are still standing in good condition, and they are so much more artistically appealing then the rectangular buildings that always seem to be breaking and being torn down and reconstructed around here. I asked why and immediately said Well, that was a stupid question. Certainly not lack of resources. Money. Our culture supports the idea that it's best to gain the most money from the smallest output. Basically, it's cheaper to build something with weaker materials and easier to build something simple than it is to build something that takes years to design, years to build out of quality materials; therefore, it must be better to barely create something weak than to try to create something strong. So I concluded that this culture is founded on waste; it's bound to crumble from the inside out.

I've read two different accounts of people who have visited Darfur with the intention of helping the people there and giving them hope, and the knowledge that their sufferings have not been forgotten. Both accounts, one by Jon Foreman and the other by Eduardo Verastegui, express the humility experienced by these travellers when they found that they were given much more than they gave. They were surprised to see joy and hope in each individual's face, much more than they see here.
Mother Theresa was once asked to give a speech to recieve the Nobel Prize. In her speech, she said that we have everything, but we in the West are the truly poor, because even as we are financially secure and physically healthy, we have no foundation of love in our own homes. This is a link to the speech.

I've never read anything from Mother Theresa before except her quotes that are everywhere. It is worth taking a minute to read the speech. It's hard to find things this beautiful said anymore.


Do you remember when we were just kids
and cardboard boxes took us miles
from what we would miss;
schoolyard conversations
taken to heart,
and laughter took the place
of everything we knew we were not?

I wanna break every clock-
The hands of time would never move again.
We could stay in this moment
for the rest of our lives.
Is it over now?
Hey, is it over now?

Amazing how life turns out the way that it does.
We end up hurtin the worst
the only ones we really love.
~From Inevitable, by anberlin

4:45 am

4:45 am - I cannot go to sleep and either my cat is often moving around under my bed, where she has not been in a couple years to the best of my knowledge, or there are mice moving around inside my wall near the recently-opened vent. I think I know which it is and I'm not too comfortable in my room right now. I think I'll be sleeping on the floor downstairs until either the vent in my wall is covered or wall-dwellers go extinct, whichever comes first.

Maybe warm milk and a flannel quilt will do the trick.

Good night.