I feel like an idiot. Like I've stood here and watched the world make a fool of me. I feel like I'm lost. I don't feel like I belong here in this place, even though there are many people here I call my family. I feel like I'm expected to compromise everything I am and who I would like to believe I am, to become part of the world. A part of me wants to comply. I've let that part of me lead for a while, and I feel hollow because of it. I am now disappointed in so many things, in the world, in other people who I can now see have given in to the lies I'm now facing, but mostly in myself for so easily letting go of all I've had that's worth clinging to, everything worth dying for. It's certainly worth living for.
I want to fall in love with it all again. I don't want to believe in myself. I don't want to confine myself to me. I want to experience Heaven on Earth, I want to help create it here, building it up out of the rubble of Eden. I want to choose Life. I choose Life over mere existance, no matter what the price. I want to truly remember, and maybe come to know, that the problems and the answers alike are much deeper than the surface, that mere action is never the answer, that without Grace there is no healing, there is no life. I want every day to feel like the miracle it is. I want to see a soul worth the Blood of God in every set of eyes I meet.
But this is only what I want.
There seems to be two highly contrasting images that symbolize power to different people.
The first image is of power, recognition, a finished touch to themselves. This image could involve any number of different goals, but some of the more common ones could include: tall buildings in the middle of the city; people swarming the streets, each always with somewhere else to be, never settled; cars glistening in the lights, whether they be natural or spot; neatly cared for, large, air conditioned homes; carefully pruned and groomed gardens and lawns; personal physical appearance meets the ideal of the current culture.
The second image is something like this: a man on a cross on a hill surrounded by people in a shadow. Blood, sweat, saliva, and tears create the only layer separating Him from His creation. Pain, Abandonment, Fear, Courage, Love saturate the air. It cannot be proven, only experienced.
If you never kneel, you can never receive a Crown.
When I compromise anything that actually matters, and I water it down or bend it or totally break it or simply ignore it, it is impossible for me to actually hold it as the center of my life. If I'm not willing to live for it, I could not be willing to die for it. If I'm not prepared to die for something greater than me, I see only one reason to continue living. The one reason is necessary and it is enough, but more is possible.
So all those "wants" I listed, what will I do about them?
This hole I find myself in begin whens my dream alters to fit this third dimension. When it's lost, you're alone. When it's there, you're empty because all you define yourself by is surrounding you, not inside. The hollow spheres shatter easily, not to mention the inconsistancy of their rolling, should they survive. They are slaves to gravity.
In one blinding and deadly motion, I forfeit the foundation and the structure. Gravity is pressing me, suffocating me. I feel my weakness, and I cave.
Never turn your back on a known enemy.
But what if you find that enemy in yourself?
Head Over Heels (In This Life)
By Switchfoot
Head over here and take me
Head over heels I'm aching
When I told you I was yours
I was yours
In this life, you're the one place I call home
In this life, you're the feeling I belong
In this life, you're the flower and the thorn
You're everything that's fair in love and war
I'm coming down like a gunshot
In all these battles I've fought
You're the mark I'm aiming for
I was yours
Head over heels
In this life I'm stubborn to the core
In this life I've been burning after more
We both know what these open arms are for
You're everything that's fair
In this life, you're my only one
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